I'm Half the Man I Used To Be
by CarineM
Summary: ON HIATUS. MerDer eventually. Derek hates the guy he has become since he has chosen his wife and wants to change. Bad summary, please read and review.
1. Let's Be Really Honest

**TITLE**: I'm Half The Man I used To Be (one of Stone Temple Pilot's song)

**DISCLAIMER **: I don't own Grey's Anatomy and there are quotes from the serie.

**PAIRING :** MerDer eventually, maybe hints of Burke and Cristina

It's my first Grey's Anatomy fic and i'm sorry, english is not my first language so feel free to tell me if there are mistakes, thanks.

There is an episode in which Derek admits that the failure of their marriage is not only Addison's fault but also his because he was absent and indifferent, that didn't happened yet.

Meredith and Derek are trying to be friends, Meredith almost forgave him for choosing Addison because she understands that it's a part of his personality.

Izzie didn't fall in love with Denny even if it's not really important and she never slept with George.

You'll see the rest as the story goes.

* * *

Derek Shepherd was standing awkwardly in front of the Seattle Grace Hospital. He knew that he had to go in, he had a surgery to do later and the rain was pouring but he couldn't seem to move. He hadn't slept well last night, he still had an headache and he was really starting to feel tired but actually, that was not the reason he did not want to go in. He had been so drunk the previous night that he had thought he was ready but in fact he was far from being ready to face his wife or the mess that was his life in general. He felt angry, hurt, betrayed, stupid, pathetic, sorry for himself... the list was long but there was a part of him that also thought he deserved to feel that way which made him feel even worse. 

He had come up to a conclusion: he hated the man he had become since he had chosen to try again with his wife if someone could call it trying. He was hurting his wife even if right now it didn't sound so bad, she had hurt him a lot too by cheating on him. But he was also hurting Meredith, he had chosen his wife but he couldn't let her go and it was not fair to her. Plus, he was hurting himself too, but feeling as he felt, he didn't care about that fact, he had the feeling he deserved to feel every inch of pain. Anyway, his marriage had become or had been for the past few years a big joke even if the people concerned wouldn't admit it. He had to clear the mess he had created but right now, he still couldn't bring himself to move.

Time and time again, he could feel the stares of some of his co-workers who were rushing towards the entrance of the hospital, wondering what he was doing there, standing there in the rain, getting all soaked. He couldn't blame them, he knew he must be looking quite badt; he was wearing the same clothes as the previous day but his shirt lacked three buttons so it was slightly open and a part of his chest could be seen. Plus, that morning he had walked to the hospital and as of course it had been raining all along so he was completely drenched.

"Dr Shepherd, are you all right ?" a voice he recognised as Izzie Stevens' interrupted him from his thoughts.

"Yeah" he answered turning his head to face her, trying to smile as she kept looking at him sceptically. She noticed the state of his shirt and stared at it. "You should get inside, Dr Bailey wouldn't appreciate if you're late" he added hoping she would do as she was told, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

"Aren't you coming?" She asked frowning and still not moving.

"Yeah, in a minute" he replied. He knew Izzie was the kind of person who cared a lot about others and he liked her for that but right now, he really needed her to let him drown in his sorrow and let him believe that it was all just a nightmare. She finally nodded and walked towards the entrance.

Izzie was sure something was wrong with Dr Shepherd. Since his wife had come back, everyone had noticed there had been a change in him, he didn't seem as happy as he was before but Izzie was positive, it was even worse today. Anyway, why did she care? He had broken his friend's heart in pieces, he deserved to suffer as well. But Meredith seemed to have forgiven him and they even seemed to be some kind of friends so she could care, it didn't mean she was a bad friend to Meredith. She headed towards the interns' locker and spotted the other four interns of her group who were talking as usually while waiting for Bailey.

"What's up with McDreamy?" She interrupted them. They all looked at her, not knowing what she meant so she added "He is standing in front of the hospital, in the rain. He must have been there for a long time, he is totally soaked. And his shirt..." She then looked at Meredith "You're friends, right? You know something ?"

Meredith was about to reply when Dr Bailey came in "Always gossiping I see, follow me!" Her five interns stopped their conversation and did as they were told. Still, Meredith thought about what Izzie had said and hoped Derek was fine. They now stood by the nurses' station across the entrance where Bailey was talking to a nurse.

Meredith tried to look casually towards the entrance but unluckily for her, she didn't go unnoticed.

"Looking for McDreamy?" Cristina mocked her.

"No.. no at all, I was just..." she stammered

"You really are a bad liar, Mer" Cristina rolled her eyes but then Meredith was no longer paying attention to her as Derek was entering the hospital.

Meredith's eyes grew wide at his sight, he really was totally soaked, his shirt looked as though it had been ripped open and she noticed he was wearing the same clothes as the day before. How pathetic was that? She must spend too much time observing him to know he was wearing the same clothes. As Izzie pointed her fingers towards him, the others interns noticed him too.

"He doesn't deserve to be called McDreamy today" laughed Cristina.

The first steps were the hardest to make for Derek, but now at least he was walking. He walked a little faster, sensing the looks on him. He had decided to cross the lobby and head towards his office without being noticed but it seemed as thought things never went as planned. He heard her yell his first name from upstairs, and from the sound of her heels, he could tell she was now going down the stairs to meet him. However, he did not turn around, he just kept walking, hoping she would understand and give up pursying him. As he heard her yell his name a second time, and still heard the sound of her heels, he knew that today, nothing would go as planned. Still, he kept walking, not caring that now more and more people were following them with their eyes. He couldn't deal with her now, it was too soon, the hurt was still too raw, he was too broken to hear whatever she had to say.

It then became impossible to ignore her as a loud, forceful "DEREK SHEPHERD " was heard through all the lobby and the activity in the hospital seemed to stop. She had stopped walking and Derek froze and replied "ADDISON MONTGOMERY"with an equally loud yell as he turned to face her. They were now looking at each other, so many emotions on their faces that it was impossible to read them.

"Do I have to remind you every single second that we are married?" She asked exasparated but without succeeding in hiding the hurt in her voice.

"You mentioning that is actually quite funny" he laughed bitterly "We will talk later", he dismissed her.

"Later?" she yelled "That's all I get? You're not going to yell at me? Call me names? Or I don't know...ignore me in an elevator ?"

"What do you want from me, Addison?" he managed to ask almost calmly.

" I want you to care! I sleep with your best friend and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face, and still you get a good night's sleep. What do I have to do?"

Since she had begun to talk, the stance of Derek had hardened, his fist had clenched tightly, she had hardly finished talking when he yelled "Shut up!" he was now glaring at her furiously then his face softened a little when he added " I can't talk to you now, I can't even look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. "

"Wh..What?" Addison's voice showed that she was clearly taken aback, not only by his harsh words but by the fact that he had said the exact same thing the night he had caught her with Mark. Could it be possible that...? She stopped herself from thining about that, he couldn't know, it was simply impossible. But she had to tell him, not today but she knew she had to.

Derek didn't want that to happen now, they had to talk but now was the worst time ever, he could say things he would regret later and he didn't want that to happen. He still didn't know how he felt about what had happened the previous night, he needed time and space to think about it and of course Addison wasn't giving him either.

"Addison, give me a break, please" his voice, even to his own ears, sounded as if he was begging.

"No, Derek, I'm sick of waiting. Where were you last night?" she asked accusingly. "I waited for you THREE hours at the restaurant, you could have at least called or answered when I called you. Do you realise how humiliating it was for me?" she asked defeated.

"Don't talk to me about humiliation. You slept with my best friend. That was humiliating." he replied too calmly as if he didn't care but the look in his eyes showed clearly his pain and bitterness.

"What happened to you anyway?" Addison asked wanting to change subject and noticing how bad he looked.

"I don't want to talk to you" he dismissed her.

"Is it about her?" she continued

"About who?" Derek feigned he hadn't understood what she meant.

"Don't play dumb with me"

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you" she imitated him "You always say that. Derek, please. Haven't I paid enough? Is it even worth it? What are we doing? Look at me, that's not me. When did I become that woman who beg her husband?" Addison couldn't take his indifference any more.

Derek wanted to tell her : since you cheated on him but stopped himself. Derek knew at this point that there was no turning back, they would talk no matter how much he wanted to avoid it. He simply wanted them to go somewhere more private, everyone was now staring at them and he was really starting to feel uncomfortable.

"All right, meet me in my office in ten minutes" he said with the same defeated tone she had used.

"Oh no! Don't you dare do that! I want an answer now!" she almost shouted visibly losing her calm and knowing that once they would step inside on his office, he would dismiss her or tell her that nothing was wrong.. "I don't care that people are listening, anyway nothing in this hospital stays private, so please, just answer my question and be honest" she almost begged him.

Yesterday, the were supposed to have dinner together at 8pm but surprisingly Derek hadn't shown up and hadn't even called to excuse himself. She had called the hospital to be told that her husband had left the hospital at 7pm. She had called him all night but he hadn't answered. She wasn't stupid, she had seen how her husband acted around Meredith Grey and since he had told her that he had fallen in love with her, she had been sure something was still going on between the two of them.

"All right let's be honest." His voice didn't contain a bit of regret when he added "Last night, I drank too much, met a woman and had sex with her. What about you, Addison?" He looked straight into her eyes waiting for an answer.

He had said that in such a detached voice that it couldn't possibly have hurt more. His words stung in the air, had he really admitted he had cheated on her as if he was talking about the weather? Addison's face instantly broke at the coldness of his words, tears threatened to fall, and she tried her best to hold them back but she couldn't any more, it was just too much.

"You're crying now? You don't get to cry after what you did to me. So take responsibility for your acts for once in your life. What did you do last night? I want to hear you say it!!" He nearly shouted.

Addison realised that he knew, she didn't know how but he knew. "I was going to tell you" Addison sobbed,.

"That's too easy, Addison. Do I look like I care? I just want you to say it. Come on, I'm all for honesty, say it, damn it!" He was becoming impatient.

"I had sex with Mark" she almost whispered, but the lobby had became so silent that it was easy to hear.

"Looks like my timing is still good as I walked on you again, lucky me." he said sarcastically.

"You...Why.."Addison couldn't find the words

"I didn't feel like interrupting as at least this time you had the courtesy to do it in his bed." He had guessed her question, he sighed before adding " If you still want to talk, meet me in my office in ten minutes." He didn't let her the time to reply as he turned around and resumed walking, not caring about the whispers on his way.

Addison couldn't bring herself to watch around her so she just walked fast towards her office. She wished it was a nightmare and she was going to wake up. Last night had been a terrible mistake, she had felt so alone, dejected but she hadn't wanted to make him suffer.

Dr Bailey and the five interns were still in front of the nurses' station. They had of course heard every single word of the argument.

"I told you something was wrong with him today." Izzie said.

"Even I feel sorry for the guy" added Cristina.

"That's hard" Alex confirmed.

Meredith was just staring into space, lost in her thoughts, George was about to comment when Bailey cut in "Rounds, people!" and muttered something which sounded like stupid before heading towards the patient's room.

* * *

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW **

In the next chapter,I 'll talk about what happened the previous night.


	2. A New Day

English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there are mistakes. This chapter is longer that the previous one, I hope you'll like it.

* * *

I'm Half The Man I Used To Be

Chapter 2 : A New Day

Derek was now wearing his dark blue scrubs and was pacing in his office. His hair were still a little bit wet but he looked a lot better than earlier. He didn't know why he was being so nervous about his meeting with Addison but he just couldn't help himself. He had tried to sit down but had miserably failed so he had resumed pacing. He didn't even know if she would show up but he hoped she would because he was sure it might be their last chance to stay in good terms after everything that had happened, they really needed to talk before the situation got even worse if that was possible.

* * *

**The night before**

Derek, dressed in his street clothes, went out of the hospital at 7pm. He had just lost a patient and fell bad about it. It was always hard to lose a patient, that was not something you got used to. As he pushed that thought aside, he had the impression he had forgotten something but he couldn't remember what. But he did clearly remember one thing : he didn't want to go home to find his so-called wife who was more like a stranger to him but whose fault was it? He couldn't really tell and didn't even want to think about it.

He decided to take a ride, he needed space and especially, some time alone. He went into his car and drove, not knowing where he was heading. At least he thought he was driving with no place in mind but when he found himself driving alongside the sea, he chucked at the sight before him : he really did have a thing for ferryboats! He parked his car and sat down on a bench, facing the sea. He looked ahead of him and felt surprisingly calm and relaxed. He hadn't felt that way in a long time, he felt so good that he fell asleep.

When he woke up, he slightly felt disoriented but he then felt lighter and while looking at the sea and the ferryboats, he let his mind wandered. He didn't know why but his mind had decided to relive the past months. The thought of Addison and Mark together still shattered him, he remembered how he had felt when he had come to Seattle, he had been completely devastated. He smiled at the memory of meeting Meredith, how they had ended up on her couch, how she had thrown him out in the morning. No woman had ever thrown him out like that, he had loved it but had felt a little disappointed at the thought of never seeing her again. Then he recalled meeting her at the hospital that same morning, the way she had tried unsuccessfully to avoid him. No woman had ever resisted him for that long and again he had loved every minute he had spent chasing her. He had been himself, he had shown her the real him: he was that playful, charming, arrogant; cocky surgeon. It suddenly hit him, he had changed...again. He hadn't liked the guy he was back in New York since he had arrived in Seattle and now, he didn't like the guy he had changed into since...he had chosen his wife.

He was a brain surgeon but sometimes he felt really brainless. Staying with Addison was hurting him, but also hurting her. He had been happy in Seattle before they had decided to try that marriage again. He didn't regret accepting to try again but the fact that he wasn't even trying, they were both losing their time. There was no way it could work. Why was he staying with her? Right now he really hadn't got a clue. He shook his head at his own stupidity. He really needed to talk to Addison, she didn't deserve to be treated like that, no one did. He looked at his watch and let out a surprised cry when he saw that it already was past 11pm, he had slept longer than he thought. He felt bad at the thought of Addison worrying herself because he hadn't come back. He really was stupid. He took his phone and sighed when he noticed that it was turned down. He turned it on and saw that he had thirteen missing calls, all from Addison. Why was he being so mean to her? He suddenly remembered what he had forgotten, they were supposed to have dinner together at eight. She had last called him at 22:48. Had she waited for him all that time? He tried to call her but it was the responder, he felt the urge to hit himself. He walked fast to his car and headed to the trailer. He found it empty but there was a note on the bed.

**I went to "name of an hotel". **

**Addison **

Nothing else, he really had messed up. He knew that hotel, it was where the Chief was currently staying. It also was where Mark was staying but that was just a coincidence, right? He silently cursed himself at the thought he had just had, he had treated her like shit and now he was accusing her without proof. Sometimes he could be such an ass. He might wanted to end this marriage but he wanted to make things better between them. They had been married for eleven years, they could be friend or at least managed to talk. He took his car and headed to the hotel. It really was a luxurious hostel, he went to the reception and asked for Montgomery-Shepherd.

"I'm sorry, sir, but she asked not to be disturbed." replied kindly the young receptionist.

"I see but I'm her husband and I flew here to see her" he lied easily."I wanted to surprise her." He silently praised himself as her smile screamed how cute. He could almost get anything with the face he had, the face women tended to trust and when he added his smile, they just melted.

"I understand." She said and after checking his ID, smiled at him "Room 2206".

He thanked her and headed to Addison's room. He felt a little nervous but knocked anyway. He waited a little and knocked again. Still no answer. Maybe she was sleeping. He thought about letting her sleep but he needed to talk to her right now so he knocked harder. She needed to know he was sorry for everything and that it was time to let go of their marriage. When there still was no answer, he decided to give up.

He was walking out when he heard the receptionist "It didn't go well?" she frowned.

"She didn't answer, she must be asleep" he replied. Then his suspicion came back. Why was she at this particular hotel ? Was it because it was near the hospital or because Mark was there as well ? He debated with himself but decided that it didn't cost him anything to check. The receptionist was still looking at him, he told her "Maybe she wasn't in her room".

"I'm almost sure she didn't go out" she answered.

"Our best friend, Mark Sloan, also have a room in this hotel. Maybe she is with him" he offered.

"Let me check...Room 2213"

"Thank you" he smiled at her and headed towards Mark's room.

The more he was closer, the stupider he felt. He was nearly in front of it when he decided to give up. If she was not in there, what would ha say to Mark and even if she was, did he really want to see them? He had decided to go home when something caught his attention, the door of Mark's room was slightly opened, he could just throw a look and then go. Instead, he pushed the door and entered quickly before changing his mind again. He found himself in what looked like a living room. It was big for an hotel room and looked like an apartment. The clothes on the floor left no doubt on what those who had thrown them there had been doing. Did they belong to Addison ? He made a step forward and his foot kicked a bag, Addison's bag. He suddenly felt ill, Mark was not alone, Addison was not in her room, here was her bag, and as he made some more steps, he could clearly hear people having sex. People, it was kind of funny how his wife and his former best friend had become people, strangers.

His attention shifted to the coffee table, on which he noticed two glasses, an empty bottle of champagne and a half empty bottle of scotch. So they did not just have sex, they took time to drink, maybe even talk and make fun of him. He didn't know why but he walked towards the coffee table and sat on the couch . He could storm out of the room or barged in the bedroom but staying and listening to them was not an option, so why was he doing it? He needed a drink and fast. He pourred some scotch in the glass that had used the man who was currently fucking his wife and he wanted to laugh at the irony of the situation except no sound came out of his mouth. He finished his drink in a painfully long swallow and poured some more in the glass. He swallowed it but it was not enough so he drank directly from the bottle. He felt a strange sensation on his cheeks, he touched one with his left hand, and his hand was humid. But he couldn't tell why. He looked at his hand and saw a tear slowly dripping from his fingers. When had he begun to cry? He drank again and again until there was nothing left in the bottle. Then again, he felt like laughing when he imagined how the two of them would react when they found the empty bottle except that it was not funny. What was wrong with him? His mouth felt dry, he needed a drink now.

That was why he finally left the room, there was no scotch left so there was nothing left there for him. He stumbled his way to the entrance. He noticed how strangely the receptionist was looking at him, she was saying something but he couldn't make out the words and he didn't care, he stormed out of the hotel. He found his car and was sober enough to know he couldn't drive so he walked straight ahead of him, abandoning his car.

He didn't know how he felt, the tears had finally dried. His wife had been cheating on him in the next room with Mark and he hadn't even felt like interrupting her. Trying again this marriage which was doomed to be a failure had made him lose so much. He didn't even felt bad because she had cheated on him but because he had been stupid enough to give up on Meredith to try and save his marriage. He had wasted all this time for nothing at all. He found himself in front of a bar and suddenly his mouth felt very dry. He entered and ordered his favourite drink which was something he used to share with Mark. They seemed to share lots of things, he chuckled.

"Another one" he asked to the bartender. He told him the same thing over and over again, he didn't even remember how many he had.

He was staring at his half empty glass when a woman sat next to him. He slightly turned his head towards her and their eyes meet. He couldn't deny that she was gorgeous. She turned her head away but he kept looking at her. His eyes rested on her, not really because he wanted to look at her, he just didn't fell like turning his head. She turned her head back so they were facing each other and he noticed that her mouth was moving but he hadn't heard a single word she had said, he needed to focus.

"Excuse me?" he asked her.

"I was just saying that even if you begged me, I wouldn't sleep with you, you look way too pathetic" she repeated.

He laughed "Well, thanks. That's good because I had no intention of sleeping with you"

She suppressed a frown "Really?"

"Yeah, I'm absolutely not interested" he smirked

"Your eyes tell me a different story"

"My eyes may lie. No woman tonight, just scotch, my best friend who won't stab me in the back. Cheers" he nursed his glass while the woman kept looking at him.

He finished his drink and gestured to the bartender to give him another one then he turned his head towards the woman "You want something?"

"I thought you didn't want to sleep with me."

"If you want me so bad, just ask" He replied obviously amused and she snorted but didn't comment

"I want a beer" she finally said after a pause.

He ordered the drink for her and they started to chat. He didn't remembered a single thing they had talked about. He couldn't remember either how he had ended up in her car, then in her apartment.

He woke up in her bed and they were both naked. She was still sleeping, and he noticed that she really was beautiful, so it wasn't the alcohol which had played with his mind.. He tried to look at the time but his head was pounding. When he finally succeeded in looking at his watch, he resisted the urge to jump out of bed. He really had to go but could he leave her like that without at least saying goodbye? She was sleeping, he didn't want to wake her up for that, plus she surely didn't care, it was just about sex after all. So he got out of bed carefully, picked up his clothes and dressed himself. When he saw the state of his shirt, he chucked, well, the woman was impatient, she hadn't taken time to unbutton it, she had just ripped it open. He would have liked to remember that. He finally realised that disappearing like that would be mean. He took a pen and a piece of paper.

**Good morning, I had to go to work and I didn't want to wake you up so goodbye. **

Then he went out of her apartment. At first, he didn't even know where he was. Then he noticed something which looked slightly familiar and he could tell where he was. He wanted to take a taxi but he felt like walking. It wasn't too far. His walk would allow him to think at the disaster that was his life. He was going to arrange everything. It then stared raining but he kept walking still thinking.

His wife and him were over. He didn't need to be mean to her, he would make some efforts and be civilized. Even if it wasn't an excuse, he had a role to play in the failure of their marriage. He hadn't given her a single reason to stay with him since they had decided to try again but she had stayed and strangely it meant a lot to him.

Meredith. Her name brought remorse and pain. He knew now that he wanted to be with her but he also knew she couldn't take him back, there was no way she would trust him again. Maybe it was for the best, he didn't deserve her. However, he still wanted her in his life and even if she was just a friend, he would accept it, he had to.

* * *

When he finally heard a knock on the door, he felt slightly panicked but still managed to say " Come in". 

He was a little reassured when he saw that his wife didn't seem to cope better than him. She seemed miserable and that was good, she deserved it. No, he should stop thinking like that, they had both made mistakes. He liked to believe that Addison wouldn't have cheated on him if he had been a better husband, and that applied for the two times.

There was a quite long awkward moment as they stood in front of each other before Derek finally broke the silence "We should sit down".

Addison was staring at the floor clearing not knowing where this meeting would take them. Derek didn't know where to begin but he knew now that nothing was better than honesty.

"Addison," she locked eyes with him, "I am sorry" when he saw she was about to say something, he continued "Last night I was an ass" Addison was now looking at him strangely, that was the last thing she had expected him to say, she was prepared for shouting, but she wasn't ready for apologies. She had known him for a long time and there was no doubt that he was being sincere.

Derek continued "I should have called to cancel our date. It's just that I have always been better at walking away, you know." His tone was bitter but he looked angrier with himself. After a brief pause he added "Anyway I had no right to treat you as I have been doing for the past three months. I thought I could deal with you cheating on me with him but I can't and I don't even want to. I'm sorry, even you didn't deserve that."

"Thank you Derek" Addison managed to prevent herself from crying. His comments left no doubt to the fact that their marriage was really over,. She wanted to yell at him, call him names because he had made her suffer so much and he still was because he had never tried but he was being sincere and he assumed his mistakes. She had cheated on him again with the same person and he was being understanding. Why was he being like that? It just showed what she had badly wanted to ignore until now, he didn't love her any more. She had to accept it and let him go.

"I'm sorry too. I wanted it to work so badly that I was blind. I love you, I couldn't let you go. I wanted to talk to you but you wouldn't listen to me. I'm not trying to justify myself because nothing can justify that, I'm sorry."

"I went to the hotel because I had something to tell you." He paused "I was indifferent. You know in New York before Mark. I was just indifferent towards you. I was absent. I'm partly to blame for what's happened to our marriage. I am not saying it's okay you cheated on me, especially with Mark, (he couldn't suppress the hatred he felt when he mentioned Mark's name) but I'm working on forgiving you."

Addison was stunned by his revelation, he wanted to forgive her. She had resented him so much for the past three months and for how he was back in New York that she felt relieved at his apologies. She was speechless, she didn't want to waste their moment. It was time for them to let go what they had and to move on, to start fresh. However, he still didn't know she had stayed with Mark for two months after he had left but she couldn't bring herself to tell him now. It had been a long time since he had looked at her with something besides repulsion or indifference and it really felt good.

"Our marriage is over" she finally stated

"Yeah, it is " he confirmed

"It's all my fault. It's incredibly sad" she said in a low voice.

"We could.." He hesitated unsure of himself then he tried more confidently "Maybe we could try and be friends" he suggested.

"Do you propose that to every woman you break up with?" she asked, instantly regretting her words as she hadn't meant to sound so bitter.

"Just forget I said that" he replied visibly upset.

"I'm sorry Derek, I didn't want to say that"

"Yes, you did. Whatever, we don't have to" he didn't want to let her know he felt insulted.

"Was it Meredith?' she had wanted to ask that since he had told her about that woman he had had sex with.

"Excuse me?" He asked even if he knew what she meant .

"Last night, did you sleep with her?" she asked more urgently, not totally understanding herself her urge to know. Was it jealousy? Curiosity? Bitterness? Or all at the same time?

"No" he answered as if the idea was completely stupid. "I wouldn't use her like that" he explained himself.

"You love her too much for that" Addison failed to hide her jealousy.

"Addison" He said warningly, clearly showing that he didn't want to discuss his feelings for Meredith..

"I know, sorry. And yes, I would like to be your friend" she tried to smile.

"Good. You will see I'm a good friend" he smiled at her.

"This friendship starts now?" He frowned but still nodded "So I'm asking that as a friend, all right?" He nodded again "Who was it?"

He laughed "It really was just a woman, she doesn't work here, you don't know her, I didn't know her."

"Are you going to see her again?"

"You're way too curious to be my friend. I'm no longer sure about this friendship"he answered amused.

"I'm not!" she exclaimed. "I'm a good friend too"

"Yeah. Whatever you say" he smirked at her.

As she was about to reply, the sound of her pager interrupted them.

"See you later, Addie" he said, she nodded and went out of his office.

On her way to where she was requested, Addison couldn't help but smile. It had been a long time since she had seen Derek smile or joke especially with her and she was glad. Some people were looking at her curiously since they had witnessed their argument that morning but it didn't matter. For the first time since she had come to Seattle, she thought that things would be all right. Then she remembered she still hadn't told him about her relationship with Mark and her smile disappeared as a feeling of guilt came back.

Derek felt lighter. Those three months with Addison had really shook him. He hated the way he had treated her and was decided to make things better. He was happy with the way things were headed. He knew he had to deal with Mark too but he had felt even more betrayed by Mark than by his wife. Mark was not the kind of person who apologize so it was not even sure he regretted what he had done. Until he knew for sure that he regretted, he wouldn't even try to forgive him.

He went out of his office, a smile playing on his lips, and headed towards the elevator. He would deal with Mark later, he considered that today he had done a step towards his goal. His relationship with Addison could even be really good in a few days. After all, they had been married for eleven years, she had been the love of his love and his best friend, they knew each other well. If they forgave each other and accepted the end of their marriage, he couldn't see why it wouldn't work out.

The doors of the elevator finally opened. His smile increased at the sight before him : Dr Bailey was inside with Meredith, Cristina and George behind her. He noticed the reassuring, yet unsure smile Meredith returned him. He stepped inside and stood next to Dr Bailey.

"Hello, Miranda" he greeted her, smiling.

"It's Dr Bailey to you" She glared at him and Cristina snorted.

"So bossy" He shook his head then turned himself so he was now facing Dr Bailey and leant against the side of the elevator where he could see Meredith eyeing him so he smiled at her.

Meredith wanted to ask him how he felt but didn't know how. They were friends, she had to ask him that after what happened, right? Plus, he was looking at her and smiling at her, he was expecting her to be friendly. Why was he smiling any way ? He was supposed to be sad. It wasn't possible he had already made up with his wife.

"Dr Shepherd" she started, but friends called themselves by their first name, right?. It really was hard to have a friend who was both your ex and boss. He looked at her as did George and Cristina. Derek was waiting for her to continue so she did "Derek, are you all right?"

"Hmm, it's Derek now" he smiled, briefly closing his eyes and as he opened them, he practically whispered "Do I need a condom?"

Meredith's eyes grew even wider than they had the first time she had seen him that morning. She thought she had misunderstood him but given the pointed look Dr Bailey was sending him, the snort of Cristina and the open mouth of George, she hadn't imagined it, he really had said that.

"Are you thinking?" he had a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"What?" Meredith shrieked. "No, no" she repeated slightly blushing. He was supposed to be sad not act like that and surely not embarrass her. "You're so full of yourself" she shook her head, not totally succeeding in supressing her smile.

When he replied suggestively "I'd rather be full of you", Meredith flushed but before she had time to reply, the doors of the elevator had opened and Derek was already stepping out "See you later" he said to them before walking away, smirking.

* * *

**So what did you think of that chapter? PLEASE READ AND REVIEW**


	3. Forgiveness

Sorry it took me so long to update.

In my story, Burke had the surgery done two weeks earlier. Burke knows he has a tremor but Cristina doesn't know yet.

* * *

Derek had left a dumbfounded Meredith behind him, and the smile on hi lips wouldn't go away. He had always loved talking to her, he really had missed her. 

He was headed towards Burke's room on who he had performed a surgery a week ago and he knew that Dr Bailey and her three interns were also headed there. They entered into the room together and Derek waited for an intern to present the case.

"Dr Burke" Derek acknowledged him and Burke did the same."Dr Shepherd"

"_Preston Burke. Post-op day one from an I and D of a compressive haematoma to the brachoplexus. He is afebrile and vital signs are stable over night. His incisions are clean with no signs of infection. Last morphine was given at 2 this morning_." said Alex.

"Well, everything seems fine so I will see you later, Dr Burke" said Derek after checking his chart again.

"Dr Shepherd" Burke seemed to hesitate as if he wanted to say something

"Yeah" replied Derek but when he sensed Burke's discomfort, he addressed the others "Can you give us a minute, please?"

Everyone in the room got out except for Cristina.

"Dr Yang, you too" said Derek but she completely ignored him and kept looking at Burke who soon averted her gaze.

"Dr Yang" repeated Derek a little bit louder. This time she seemed to have heard him as she looked at him and frowned. "I would like to talk to Burke, alone, if you don't mind" said Derek emphasizing the word alone.

But Cristina just kept looking at him as if he hadn't said anything so he sighed annoyed and was about to say another thing when she finally turned around, not before casting one last look at Burke and went out, closing the door behind her.

"So Dr Burke" Derek encouraged him as he didn't seem to be about to begin. Burke opened his mouth, Derek looked at him expectantly but he closed it again, and Derek frowned.

"Derek" began Burke.

"So, it's Derek now" chucked Derek thinking of what had happened earlier. "So you like me now" he added remembering when Burke had told him he didn't like him but before Burke could reply, he continued "So, what's wrong?".

"I..."but Burke stopped and when he opened his mouth again, he asked "How are you?"

"Excuse me? Derek asked in disbelief.

"I've heard what happened this morning. Gossips travel fast" Burke smiled and Derek returned his smile.

"Burke, that's not what you wanted to tell me." Derek frowned again not understanding what was wrong with his kind of friend. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. That's what I wanted to ask you" Derek kept looking at him sceptically. "I just didn't want to do it in front of the others".

"You're a pretty good liar, Preston but I know better" Derek looked him straight in the eyes but Burke did not flinch.

"If you like to think you're always right, suit yourself"

Derek shook his head and smiled while he made his way towards the door. He opened it but before going out, he turned back towards Burke.

"By the way, I'm fine. And just for the record, I'm always right." He smiled at Burke who laughed shaking his head at his arrogance. "Well, I will see you later then" He closed the door and walked away but still thought that something was wrong with Burke. He hoped he would tell him later. Was it about the surgery? But he seemed fine and he could move his arm.

In his room, Burke seemed preoccupied. Should he tell Shepherd about the tremor? It could be the end of his career but at the same time Shepherd could fix it. He stretched his arm, looked at his hand and tried to move it but soon, his hand shook and he was again more than disappointed. What he didn't see was Cristina on the other side, staring at him. He looked up when he heard the door.

"Cristina" He acknowledged her but she didn't answer, she just walked towards him and took his right hand in hers. She looked straight into his eyes until he looked away. They stayed still for a quite long moment until Cristina finally broke the silence.

"Have you told Shepherd about your hand?"

"No" he simply answered.

"Are you going to?"

He couldn't tell what she was expecting him to answer and truthfully he had no idea so he just told her the truth "I don't know".

She didn't seem unsatisfied nor satisfied with his answer, she just didn't comment. They stayed in silence until the beep of her pager was heard. She looked into his eyes one last time before going out of his room and letting him even more confused than he was before. He had sometimes thought that Cristina only loved the surgeon in him, would she still be with him if he couldn't be that surgeon any more? She hadn't given him a clue of what she expected from him. But he didn't want to end his career, he would wait a little, maybe the tremor would disappear with some time.

Cristina was still shaken up by what she had just witnessed. Burke had a tremor. It wasn't that bad, Shepherd could surely fix it but it wasn't sure he would tell him. Maybe he even shouldn't, it could end his career but it could get worse, it had to be fixed. She was confused and didn't like it, she wasn't used to care so much for someone else. She was selfish, she shouldn't care but it was Burke and she couldn't help it even if a part of her really hated the fact that she had a soft spot.

After she had answered her beep, she went to the nurses' station to check on a patient's file and saw Dr Shepherd who was leaning against the counter with a chart in his hands but obviously not paying attention to it. Some nurses were also looking at him, Cristina thought he was seemingly lost in his thoughts or just wanted to look hot. She had to admit he was good-looking even if she disliked him. Well she didn't really dislike him, he was just an ass who had hurt his friend. Why did she even care if she liked him or not ?

She approached him without him even noticing until she was nearly touching him, "Dr Shepherd" she said so quietly, it sounded like a whisper, as if she wanted to tell him a secret.

He turned to her and noticed how close they were, he flashed her his charming smile "Dr Yang, are you trying to seduce me?" He shook his head "Here I thought you hated me. But doing that to your bed-ridden boyfriend, really, that's sad."he laughed obviously amused with himself.

"Are you kidding me?"Cristina's mouth turned into an expression of pure disgust "Get over yourself already" she said a little too loud and some people turned to look at them. Derek just kept smiling, which had the effect of making her even more angry. The man was really an arrogant ass.

"Can I talk to you" asked Cristina and she noticed he looked instantly more serious as he nodded.

But the sound of his beeper prevented Cristina from starting. "Can we talk later ?" he asked and Cristina absently nodded, he frowned at her, that was a strange attitude even for Cristina but he had to go. On his way, he couldn't help but associate Burke's strange behaviour with Cristina's one. Something was up and he was going to find out what.

Cristina couldn't believe she had been about to tell Shepherd about Burke's tremor. She couldn't do that, Burke and her were a team, if he didn't want Shepherd to know then it was up to him and shepherd wouldn't know, period. However, she still was worried about him. She didn't want to be that girl who couldn't focus on her work because all she could concentrate on were her boyfriend's issues so she pushed those thoughts aside and let her old self come back. She was Cristina, she was a surgeon who pushed her emotions aside and did her job efficiently. She was cold and selfish and it was for the best.

Derek was supposed to have a surgery in twenty minutes but it was postponed to another day. He went back to the nurses' station and paged Cristina. While he waited for her, he could only formed one coherent thought: Burke had problems with his hand and Cristina knew. That was the only possible explanation for their behaviour.

He was cut from his thought by Cristina's voice "Dr Shepherd, you paged me?"

"We can talk now" he looked at her, trying to read her expression but talk about impossible. No emotion at all could be read on her face, just a blank mask looking back at him.

"No, it's okay, I looked for the answer in a book."

"What?" he looked at her clearly sceptical.

"I had question about a case of Arteriovenous Malformation"

"Well, you told me once but I have no doubt now"

"What?"

"You, my dear, are a very good liar but I'll find out what's wrong"

"Wrong? Wrong with what?" she frowned.

He looked again at her and knew he wouldn't be able to get anything from her, maybe he should try with Burke. "Nothing" He walked away, Cristina stayed still for a second and then she went the other way.

As he walked, Derek spotted his soon to be ex-wife and stopped to try and talk to her. They hadn't seen each other since their conversation that morning.

"Addison" he smiled at her but didn't know what to say. Luckily for him, she had understood what he was trying to do and played the game.

"You've got a surgery?" she asked returning his smile.

"I was supposed to but it was postponed, you?"

"Not until this afternoon" she replied, it was only 11.

The conversation between them was still a little bit awkward but at least they were talking and both of them enjoyed that fact.

"Well, maybe we can have lunch together" he looked at her hopefully.

"I'd like that" she smiled at him but he knew her and noticed something was wrong but he didn't want to push.

"Okay, I'll see you later then" he walked away.

Derek wondered if he had a developed imagination. First, he thought Burke had something to hide, then Cristina and now Addison. Maybe it was just in his head, he would think about that later, he was really tired and needed some sleep so he went into his office and crashed into his cushion. As soon as his head touched the cushion, he fell asleep. When he woke up, he positioned himself in a sitting position and he was more than surprise with whom he found sitting on his chair looking at him.

"You're not really what I like seeing first thing in the morning" Derek said even if he didn't feel like talking to the man in front of him.

"I'm sorry" Mark said quietly, still looking at the man he still considered ad his best friend.

"You should get out" Derek wondered what he was apologizing for.

"Derek, we used to be best friends, can we talk?"

"You had sex with my wife, not once but twice, we have nothing to say to each other" Derek noticed how Mark had flinched at his words.

Mark had had enough of this situation and wanted his friend back. But Addison hadn't still told him about their relationship. He knew how Derek would react to the news, apologizing now was maybe not the best option but he didn't know when Addison would tell him. He couldn't tell him himself because he couldn't do that to Addison. He pushed those thoughts aside as he noticed that Derek was becoming more and more impatient.

"I'm sorry, Derek, I really am. I know I'm a little late.."

"That's the understatement of the year. So you're sorry, well thanks, let's just be friends again" Derek replied clearly sarcastically.

"Derek I'm trying"

"You could have tried sooner" said Derek angrily but Mark knew better, he was just really hurt. Mark realised how selfish he had been, Derek needed him, trusted him like a brother and he had stabbed him in the back. But at least, he hadn't completely shut him out, it was his chance and he wasn't ready to let it go.

"I'm here now, I'm sorry and I'm asking for a second chance" Mark's voice wasn't as firm as before but more unsure.

Derek saw something in Mark's behaviour and in his eyes that he didn't recognise because it was very unlike Mark. It couldn't be real, Mark did not apologize but here he was, he did not beg but the look in his eyes clearly fear rejection. Derek was completely lost for about a second, he was Mark, he had been his brother but trusting him had cost him so much, he wasn't sure he wanted to try again.

"You're right, you're too late" Derek couldn't suppress the hurt in his voice and he hated that. But what he hated more was that Mark could read him like an open book.

"Derek ,I know I've hurt you but if it can help, I didn't do it on purpose"

"Of course not, you just accidentally found yourself in my bed" shouted Derek. "Damn it, Mark, you can have whoever you want, why my wife?" his voice broke down at the end, he hadn't understood his friend's behaviour and he was giving him a chance to explain himself.

Mark saw the occasion and seized it, it was time to be a little bit honest with him if he wanted him back as his friend even if his answer wouldn't please him; he knew Derek, he would finally understand.

"Derek" Mark took a deep breath "It wasn't about you. Addison... I was.. am in love with her" Mark's voice totally lack of his self-confidence. He looked at Derek trying to read him.

Derek couldn't believe what he had just heard. It wasn't just about sex or hurting him, Mark, the man whore had been...was in love with his wife. It couldn't get worse, he thought. The look on Mark's face left no doubt on his sincerity. That revelation didn't erase what Mark had done but he hadn't done it to hurt him and that counted a lot. He also seemed genuinely sorry. Still, there was something that bothered him.

"For how long?" asked Derek.

"Three years" Mark said quietly and didn't react when Derek laughed bitterly.

"Well, that's just great. You loved my wife, it makes everything so much better" sarcastically said Derek as he

put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. It was overwhelming, he didn't know what to do.

"I know that..." started Mark but was cut off by Derek.

"Does she know?" asked Derek, still not revealing his head.

"Yes" answered Mark, not wanting to have this conversation so he added, determined "I'm sorry, I really am and I'm going to tell you that until you believe me"

Derek looked up and right know he knew he didn't want to fight any more, he was tired of being alone. Mark was there, maybe it was a mistake, but right now, he didn't care, he needed friends.. No, he needed Mark Mark had always been there for him, they had shared so much, he couldn't forget him like that. But those things were also what made it harder to forgive him. He hadn't expected that from him. He had had sex with dozens of married woman but Derek had never imagined the possibility of Mark doing that to him.

"You hurt me a lot, Mark" admitted Derek for the first time and Mark looked away for a brief second before returning his gaze. "But you were like a brother to me, I can't fight with you any more, I just can't.. My life is a mess and I'm tired. You'd better not make me regret this"

Mark was speechless, he wanted to thank him but he couldn't help imagine what he would feel when he would learn the truth about his relationship with Addison but right now, he wanted to enjoy his friend's company.

"How about lunch?" asked Mark, hopeful.

"I am already eating lunch with Addison" replied Derek but when he noticed Mark's disappointment, he added, "But you're welcome"

"Thank you but no" replied Mark. Maybe Addison wanted to finally tell him, he should let them alone even if he really did want to take lunch with them.

"Come on, it'd be like old times" Derek tried to sound enthusiastic.

"Okay" agreed Mark.

Derek suddenly got up and looked perplexed. Mark thought he had changed his mind again and sighed. It was going to be harder than he had assumed.

"I don't know where my wallet is" Derek explained looking up as he had seen the defeated expression of Mark.

"You had it this morning?"

"I don't think so" Derek sighed as he realised where ha had forgotten it. "Damn, I left it at her apartment" He said more to himself.

"Her?" Mark frowned.

"The woman of last night, I forgot it this morning" Derek didn't know why he was telling him.

"You forgot it or she stole it?" teased Mark tentatively, hoping he wasn't crossing the line.

"Funny. Very funny." slowly said Derek as if he was envisaging the possibility then he added "Well, you've got a lot to make up for and you'll start by offering me lunch"

"At the cafeteria of the hospital. You're a cheap date" smirked Mark, feeling more at his ease.

"That's just the beginning. You have no idea what you're up for" chuckled Derek and Mark smiled. It looked like a grateful smile but Derek couldn't tell ."I think Addison is already waiting"

Their walk to rejoin Addison was unsurprisingly quiet. They spotted Addison who was effectively waiting for him. She had her back turned to them.

"Addison" Derek made his presence known.

She turned around but the slight smile she had quickly disappeared at the sight of Mark. None of them pronounced a word for a moment before Derek grew tired of the awkwardness.

"You two had sex last night" that was the first time Derek had been able to think about it and especially say it without feeling sick and it felt good. He added as he saw their guilty expression "You can at least talk to each other. Anyway, I'm going to have lunch, I'm starving. Mark you better prepare your wallet"

Derek made his way to the cafeteria and started to pick random things. He decided that he would taste a little of everything. He really was starving : he had drank too much, had what seemed like amazing sex and he hadn't eaten last night. Who doesn't eat in the morning after hot sex?

Once he had filled his tray, he let it on the counter and left after telling the cashier to wait for Dr Sloan who would pay for it. He had to suppress a smile at the clearly shocked expression of the cashier. So even her had heard about their story. He spotted an empty table and made his way towards it. He passed by Meredith'snd her friends as the empty table was the one besides their's. He smiled at her and sat on the chair, crossing his legs. He then turned his face to where ha had let Addison and Mark and found them talking an he couldn't tell how he felt. He felt nothing.

After Derek had left, Addison and Mark stayed still for a moment.

"What did you do?" Addison asked, not understanding that Derek wanted to have lunch with the three of them.

"I apologized, he wants to try and forgive me. You should tell him before it's too late, I don't want to lose him another time."

"Don't I know it? Every time I try... I just can't right now but I will. When he looks at me, there is no hatred in his eyes, it's been a long time, you know, I missed this"

"I know" agreed Mark "We should get going, he is waiting" Mark made his way to the cafeteria and soon Addison followed him.

When Mark was going to pay, the cashier showed him Derek's tray. Mark's eyes grew wide, who could eat that much? That was simply impossible. He turned to look at Derek who had a smile on is lips, however, he still paid. He carried the two trays to the table and sat down.

"You've got to be kidding me" laughed Mark "You can't eat all that"

"Watch me"Derek was laughing as well, he took his first bite as if he wanted to prove his point.

They were oblivious to the stares of people as they teased each other. Addison awkwardly made her way to the table as if she was having after thoughts. She was going to have lunch with her husband and her lover, and they were laughing together, that really was weird. She thought about sitting elsewhere when Derek called her.

"Addison" he got up and pushed a chair for her. "Sit down, please" And she did as she was told.

"You're not seriously going to eat all that" Addison's eyes grew wide and Mark chuckled.

"Hey, I had a bad day yesterday. Thanks to you, I kind of forgot to eat"

"You were too busy having sex" clarified Mark smiling.

"You were quite busy yourself" snapped Derek. Addison and Mark instantly tensed up. Mark was about to say something but Derek was quicker "Don't. Don't apologize. It's my fault." Derek regretted, they should be able to have fun. He had really thought he had forgiven them but it seemed as though he needed more time.

"I wish I could turn back time" Derek continued, his voice filled with regret. "We used to be happy, can't we just go back to that?" he looked at them with the shadow of a smile.

Mark and Addison returned his melancholic smile.

* * *

At the table were the interns were having lunch, some of them were sometimes casting looks to the table besides especially Meredith. 

"So, what was that in the elevator?" asked Cristina looking at Meredith.

"What?" Meredith feigned ignorance.

"Don't play innocent, Mer. Any way is he going to divorce her? Are you going..." wondered Cristina.

"Stop" Meredith interrupted her "We're friends, nothing else. And I haven't talk to him yet but I'm not going out with him again. It's over, we're over, we're friends"

"Yeah, keep repeating it until you believe it" snorted Cristina.

"They are really strange. She cheated on him again, he cheated on her and they're having lunch as if nothing happened." Izzie stated and they all nodded.

* * *

Meanwhile at the nurses' station, a good-looking woman asked for Derek Shepherd. 

"Do you have an appointment?" asked the nurse.

"I'd like to return him his wallet"

"Oh, I can page him for you, I think he's having lunch"

"At the hospital?"

"Yes, at the cafeteria"

"Don't page him, I'll find him. Where is the cafeteria?" The nurse indicated her the way.

The woman made her way to the cafeteria and smiled when she saw him. He was sitting with two others doctors. She approached him until she now stood beside him.

"Dr Shepherd" she said, he turned around and opened his mouth at her side "That's disgusting" she laughed, he instantly closed his mouth and swallowed what he had in the mouth.

"So it's Dr Shepherd now" He smirked then he hastily added "Please, tell me you don't work here", and Mark chuckled.

"Hello to you too"

"Sorry" he smiled "Please, take a seat" he indicated her a chair next to him.

"I don't work here" she answered as she sat down. "So, you're a doctor." she smiled. "What kind?" she asked.

"A neurosurgeon" he answered, not really knowing what to do. The woman he had slept with last night was there. Mark and Addison were looking at him, he could feel other people looking at them too.

"Hence the arrogance" she teased him.

"I'm not that arrogant" he frowned.

She looked at him sceptically "We talked for about 10 minutes and that's the only thing I remember, your arrogance but it's cute" she finished with a flirtatious smile while putting her hand on his arm.

"Cute, uh?" he smiled at her.

* * *

Meredith was observing the scene when Cristina whispered to her "She's peeing all over your territory"

"I don't want him, we're friends" replied Meredith, turning her head away from the table and Cristina snorted. Meredith had felt a little pang of jealousy when Derek had told the other woman the same thing he had said to her, it was their thing, he wasn't supposed to share it with others but any way she didn't care.

* * *

Back at the other table Mark asked "You're not going to introduce us?", clearly amused by the situation.

"Yeah, right" replied Derek "That's Mark Sloan, he is a plastic surgeon and that is Addison Montgomery, she is an obstetrician and.." he turned to look at the woman besides him and silently cursed himself as he remembered that he didn't even know her name.

"You don't even remember my name!" exclaimed the woman and Mark suppressed a laughter.

"Hey, I was really drunk, sorry"

"Apologies accepted as I didn'teven tell you my name in the first place. Were you that drunk?" she asked and Derek shrugged.

"So, what's your name?" he asked her.

"Kelly Darcy. Maybe we should have begun by that last night" Kelly smiled at the memory and he smiled back. "You're not going to ask me what I'm doing here?"

"I guessed you wanted to give me my wallet back" She nodded and he waited but she didn't move. "You're not going to?" He frowned at her.

"If you want it back, you know where to find me" she slid a piece of paper in his pocket, drew her face closer to his until their lips were inches away and as he didn't move, she kissed him softly. She got up and left the cafeteria, leaving a surprised Derek behind, who turned around to see her leave. Once he could not see her, he turned back.

"Way to go, man" Mark praised him but instantly regretted his words as he noticed Addison's sadness and hurt.

"I'm sorry, Addison" Derek said clearly not knowing what else to say.

"Sorry ? What for? It's okay, I'm just not used to that."she sighed and then she added "Finally I got to know who it was" Addison tried to smile and Derek returned her smile.

They resumed eating and no one spoke until Mark burst out laughing. Addison and Derek looked at each other, clearly not understanding and then looked at Mark as if he had gone mad.

When Mark could control himself, he asked Derek"You remember the day you ate 10 hot dogs?"

"It wasn't funny!" exclaimed Derek, of course he remembered that day.

"10 hot dogs, Derek. Seriously?" Addison asked curious and bewildered.

Mark had finally succeeding in calming himself a little bit "We were 9 and Derek had a crush on some girl, what was her name?"

"Jessica" answered Derek "And stop, it's not funny" he glared at Mark.

"But I want to know" said Addison "Come on Derek"

Before he could answer, the sound of his beeper was heard "I'll see you later" he started to walk and until he reached the door he heard Addison burst out laughing, he shouted "You two are just mean!"

"Poor baby" laughed Addison.

He just shook his head and laughed too "Women will be the end of me", he shook his head and headed to where he had been paged. He remembered he had had the guts to ask the girl out and she had told him that if he took part in a game she had chosen and won, she would accept. He had been so happy that he would have accepted any game. She had stopped in front of a stand where the goal was to eat more hot dogs than the others to win the huge bear she desperately wanted. He had eaten and eaten, he had heard Mark tell him to stop but he had kept on eating for the girl. He had eaten his tenth hot dog and had won. He had been so elated, his joy had overcame his feeling of dizziness as he had taken the bear and walked towards the girl. She had accepted the bear and kissed him on the cheek to thank him but then he hadn't been able to stop himself and had thrown up on her shoes. She had cried and run away, of course with the bear and everyone had mocked him. Everyone except Mark who had helped him up and beaten up some kids who were laughing at him. Mark had been there for him the next day when he had felt sick again. Mark had always been there for him.

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I find this chapter strange, sorry but PLEASE REVIEW 


	4. I Can Do It

You must have notice it's Derek centric, there will be more interaction between Derek and Meredith later, maybe in the next chapter.

* * *

After having checked on the patient he was paged for, Derek still had thirty minutes left before his surgery on which he had specifically requested Cristina and he had to chuckle at the memory.

"_Dr Bailey, I need an intern" ha had said, hoping he would finally get lucky and have what he wanted for once. _

"_Grey, go with Shepherd" she had ordered. All this time when he had wanted Meredith as his intern, she hadn't obliged but now that he wanted Yang, she had to do that, he sighed._

"_I want Yang on this case" he could see the surprise on all their faces except of course for Cristina who just looked at him "Sorry" he smiled apologetically at Meredith who tried to hide the fact that she was feeling rejected. Dr Bailey kept looking at him sceptically, he turned to her "What ?" but she just glared at him. "You think I have a motive ? With Yang, seriously ? I'm not that stupid, you know" he shook his head in disbelief._

"_I'm not so sure about that" she had replied with one of those looks only her had the secret but still she had obliged "Yang, you're with Shepherd"_

Derek hoped he hadn't hurt Meredith but he intended on finding what was wrong with Burke's hand when they would be alone. He was headed to his office to have some time alone, he felt as though he needed a lot of that that day. Once he entered in, he sat on the couch and put his head backwards so he was staring at the ceiling.

He needed to get his wallet back but the woman had clearly flirted with him and he hadn't pushed her away. And now, he felt stupid. She was just a one night stand to forget about his pain, he had no intention of going out with her. He would tell her that tonight so that wouldn't a problem any more.

Next problem : Addison and Mark. He had realised he needed them, they were a major part of his life, they were his family. Everyone makes mistakes and he needed to learn how to forgive and to put his pride aside. That problem would be solved with time.

He smiled at the thought of his life finally getting fixed but then there was Meredith and his smile vanished. He really had no idea of what to do with her. He had asked her to be his friend but in his heart they were far from being so. He had told his wife he loved her and he hadn't even told her, should he ? He had no idea. What good could it bring ? Meredith was not someone who trusted people easily, she had started to trust him and to confide in him and then he had destroyed everything. He didn't think she would be able to trust him ever again and he wasn't sure he even deserved a second chance. Maybe being friends was for the best. She deserved to be with someone she could put her trust in and unfortunately for him, he had lost that right. Maybe if he explained himself, she would take him back but it wouldn't be like before : she wouldn't open herself to him and it could be a waste of time for both of them and it would bring more pain. It was time to do something right for her, something he hadn't been able to do yet, finally let her go. The only thought send a aching pain through his whole body but it was the right thing to do. He would really be her friends, their relationship wouldn't be just some sick way for him to stay close to her. So, he had to move on, so much easier to say than do.

He was suddenly cut from his thoughts by his phone.

"Hello" he answered.

"Derek Shepherd, you'd better have an excuse for not calling me since you left New York and not even bother telling me where you were going" said the woman at the other end, her tone sounding both angry and hurt.

"Mom" was all Derek could utter. If he knew one thing for sure, it was that he really shouldn't make her angrier but anything he would say now would so he stayed quiet waiting for her to continue and she didn't let him wait for long.

"After all this time, that's all you have to say ?" she inquired.

"I'm sorry, I had a lot in my mind and I needed some time and should I remind you that you weren't really supportive ?" He remembered how his mom and his sisters had taken Addison's side and he had taken it like another betrayal.

"Derek, I'm sorry, we're sorry but that isn't an excuse, you could have called, you should have"her voice cracked a little at the end.

"I know"

"Why don't you come and visit us, here in New York"

"I don't want to go there, besides I have a lot of work" protested Derek.

"If you don't come, we're coming"

"NO" said Derek alarmed, then thinking about it he thought maybe seeing his family was what he needed, "I'll come"

"I figured you wouldn't want us there, all living in your trailer. You're living in a trailer" his mom repeated, disdain evident in her voice but also pure incomprehension.

"You talked to Addison" stated Derek, not knowing how he felt about that.

"You wouldn't talk to us, at least she did. How are things with her ? Last time she told me you were trying."

"We're over, we're getting a divorce"

"But what happened ? Is it about that intern ?" again the disdain was evident in her voice but this time she hadn't even tried to hide it.

"No and I don't want to talk about it, but Addison and I are good"

"Then you can ask her to come with you" his mother suggested hopeful. She had always loved Addison and thought she was perfect for his son. Yes, she had made a mistake but Derek wasn't all that innocent, he hadn't paid attention to her, they had both made mistakes but she was sure they could overcome all that.

"I don't know" answered Derek, knowing what his mom had in mind.

"I thought you were good, we miss both of you"

"All right, I'll talk to her" he sighed.

"Great, I'm waiting for you. Take care, I love you" it had been a long time since she had had the opportunity of saying it to him.

Derek didn't show his surprise at her words "I love you too" he answered before shutting his phone. The prospect of spending some time with his family wasn't that bad after all, he could even enjoy himself and relax.

He sighed and got up, it was nearly time for his surgery. He found Cristina already ready and wasn't surprised. He was five minutes early and he was sure she had been here way longer.

"Dr Yang, were you that impatient to spend some quality time with me ?" He grinned at her before putting his mask and he had to laugh at how well he could imagine her expression of disgust behind her own mask. Maybe she really did hate him after all but annoying her was just too funny to stop.

After the surgery, Derek and Cristina were washing their hands and finally alone as Derek had expected.

"That was amazing" stated Cristina still reliving the surgery.

There was the only moments she would talk to Derek without looking at him with pure disdain or indifference. He had noticed it and decided to take advantage of it. He didn't know how to begin, the woman was a mystery to him and he sometimes wonder how Meredith and her were friends.

"What's wrong with Burke's hand? " He decided to ask bluntly. He had to congratulate her for her face stayed stoic.

" What are you talking about ?" she asked well feigning confusion.

"Stop it, Cristina. I'm a liar, I know when someone lies, remember ? Well, you're lying to me" But she just blinked so he added, "I know he is your boyfriend but I'm his doctor and I know something is wrong. If you really want to help him, you have to tell me"

"There is nothing to tell" she stubbornly said before rushing out of the door so lost in her thought that she didn't even notice that Derek was following her.

"Dr Yang" he called her but she didn't turn around, she pushed the door of an on call room open and rushed into it knowing it was stupid but she couldn't take to look him in the eyes any more without telling him so she escaped. When had she becomes that woman who ran away because she was afraid of telling her boyfriend's secret ? Right now, she didn't care, she was too busy trying to escape. But before she had time to close the door, he blocked it and entered as well, closing it behind him.

"What are you so afraid of ? Yo won't tell me because then his career would be at stake but think about it, it could get worse, I could fix it before it's too late" Cristina seemed to be closely listening and to recognise the truth in his words. She was loyal to Burke, that was a good thing but if she wanted to help him, she knew what she had to do.

"He is developing a tremor in his right hand" she blurted out before she had the time to change her mind.

Derek seemed to be examining her words then he said "I will run some tests. The likelihood is that there's just some compression of the structures around the injury. Don't worry I can do this, I can fix it."

"I'm not worried" she looked at him as if it was the most stupid thing he had ever said.

"It's not a shame to be worried about your boyfriend"

"I'm not worried" repeated Cristina

"Whatever you say, Yang" he said not understanding why she wanted so badly to hide her feelings. He had his back against the door and she was in front of him, clearly wanting him to get out of her way so she could go out but he just couldn't resist teasing her. "Finally alone, it's your chance to take advantage of me" he grinned at her suggestively.

"You really are an ass, you know that, right?" she abhorred that look of disgust she seemed to reserve for him.

"I've been told but I'm your boss, you don't get to…" he started but she didn't seem impressed at all, so he stopped and his face became more serious when he asked "How is Meredith?"

"We are not going to be friends, McDreamy" he winced at the used of his nickname.

"Don't I know it? It's just that…I know you hate me but I didn't mean to hurt her and I just want to know how she is" he didn't even know what he wanted so how could he explain it to her? He wanted Meredith to feel better but if she did it'd be because she had forgotten him and he didn't want that and he knew it was selfish. He didn't want her to suffer, why was everything so complicated? He needed to be able to accept that she'd moved on because that was exactly what she should have done.

"She's recovering" Cristina answered showing a little bit of compassion. It was clear that he had feelings for her friend, he had messed up but he also seemed to have suffered which was a good thing, he deserved it but still he had suffered too and seemed genuinely sorry. Oh my god she thought, I'm turning into a woman, since when do I care about other's feelings? Especially McDreamy's. I don't. Period.

"That's good" he felt relieved.

Cristina felt a little taken aback, had she just had a relatively normal conversation with McDreamy? That was too strange to accept. "I have to go" she said hastily, wanting him to get out of the way.

Derek guessed what she had thought of and couldn't blame her. Why would she want to talk to him so he took some steps aside so she could go out.

"I don't hate you but it doesn't mean I like you" Cristina said before opening the door and he smiled at her, surprised. She started to walk away when she heard his voice.

"That's a good beginning". He smiled

"Beginning? There is nothing next" she replied without turning around

"Well, I could live with that. We still have to talk"

"I've to check on a patient, I will page you when I'm done" she said louder so he could hear as she still had no intention of turning around. He nodded even if he knew she couldn't see him and walked away.

He stood in front of the board and checked that Addison's surgery was finished before he paged her. Then he did the same for Mark after a slight hesitation and paged him too. They both arrived at the same time, coming form different direction, they rejoined him confused.

"My mother called, she wants me to visit" he turned to Addison "You're invited too if you want to come"

"I'd love to… if you don't mind" Addison replied unsure.

"I don't" he reassured her then he turned to Mark "Maybe you'd like to come too"

Mark eyes grew wide and he just stared at Derek, shocked, he hadn't expected that at all. Derek was offering him a chance, he wanted to start clean and forget the past.

"Yes" was all Mark Sloan found himself saying, he wanted to thank him but the words wouldn't come out. He had missed his family so much and now he had a chance to be with them again.

"Good, we will arrange that with the Chief, I'll talk to him and let you know" said Derek before looking at them as if it was the first time he saw them, a slight smile appeared on his face before he walked away.

Once he was out of view, Mark said "Addison"

"I know" the redhead replied sighing before walking away.

"If you don't tell him soon, I will" Mark threatened her

Derek went back to his office to take care of his paperwork and wait for Cristina's page when he spotted Meredith who was standing by herself and obviously something was bothering her. He walked towards her and stood next to her, looking outside too, they stayed quiet for several minutes.

"Are you all right?" he finally asked, turning slightly his head so he was looking at her.

"Yes" she answered. She didn't want to talk to him and she hoped he would understand and go away.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I needed to talk to Cristina. It's not that I didn't want to work with you, because I do. I will request you tomorrow" he said instantly regretting the last part as he saw her features harden.

"I don't want your pity" Meredith snapped. He had flirted with her in the morning. He had avoided her all day. Then he had flirted with some woman. Plus he had taken Cristina for his surgery. She had reasons to be mad and he seemed oblivious and it made her even angrier, why couldn't he see the damage he was doing to her?

"It's not about pity, we were supposed to work together today" Derek tried to explain himself.

"Why are you doing that, Derek?" She finally turned to face him.

"Doing what?"

Meredith felt angrier by the second, she opened her mouth but closed it right away because she didn't trust herself to talk. She could insult him or make a fool of herself by breaking down. And there he was, standing in front of her, clueless, not seeing the harm he was inflicting her. She had had of course that crazy thought that since he was getting a divorce and that he had flirted with her, he still was interested. Of course, she would have pushed him away if he had tried something but she would have been glad because it would have showed that he cared. She felt stupid, she still loved him and he didn't care.

"Meredith, did I do something wrong?" he asked tilting his head.

"What was that in the elevator?" she found herself repeating Cristina's question before she had time to stop herself but she wanted to know why he was playing with her feelings.

Derek was confused. What was she expecting? Was she hurt because she wanted more or angry because she didn't want him to joke like that? Any way, he had already made a decision about them. "I was just kidding, Mer. I'm sorry." He smiled at her apologetically.

Meredith felt really hurt as soon as he had uttered those words. He had just been kidding, he didn't want her back. She also felt really stupid because she had hoped they meant something. There was no way, she would let him know how she felt. "That's good" she replied "You don't have to be sorry, we're friends, you're allowed to kid, it's okay" she tried to sound genuine. How many times have they repeated that they were friends?

"So, what are you doing here?" he asked her, still not knowing f she was angry or hurt or both but he wanted to change subject because he didn't trust himself to talk about his feelings for her, he would end up telling her he loved her and it was not what they needed.

"I've just lost a patient, she was so young" Derek didn't say anything, she didn't need him too but she knew he understood her and it was enough "You're the one with problems. You can talk to me, you know" she looked at him.

"I don't have any problems" he smiled at her, she quickly turned her head.

"Really?" she laughed quietly "yet this morning, you looked like hell"

"Well, thanks, that's really nice" he laughed but then she looked at him concerned so he added "I'm fine, Meredith or I'll be" She nodded showing him that she accepted his answer.

"What did you want to talk to Cristina about?" She frowned.

"Ask her. By the way, have you seen her?" Meredith shook her head looking at him strangely.

"Should I be worried?" Derek looked at her perplexed "That you want to spend time with Cristina?" she smiled indicating that she was joking with him.

"Oh maybe you should" he replied playful. He had always liked talking to her but right now as he looked at her, he knew he still hadn't let her go.

"Really?" she used the same playful tone.

"I might just trade you for her"

"That'd be your loss, Dr Shepherd"

"I'm a great friend, you'd miss me, Dr Grey" he said confidently, Meredith was about to reply when his pager went off, they looked at it, "You see? My new friend misses me, I'll see you later"

Meredith nodded but was still perplexed. Why would Cristina page Derek? It made no sense at all. She told herself that she wasn't jealous, she couldn't be, right? They were Cristina and Derek, that was just impossible, there was nothing between them, not even friendship. Any way she didn't care, Derek could do whatever he wanted or whoever he wanted, she was done with him. They were just friends. She had already stayed at the hospital more than 80 hours so she had some time off and had no idea what to do with it. She would start by going home and then take a walk.

Derek was now in front of the nurses' station, looking for Cristina who was nowhere to be found. He waited five minutes then he sighed and was about to go back when he heard her voice "Dr Shepherd, sorry I'm late" Derek looked at her bemused so she asked "What?"

"You like me" he replied, Cristina's eyes grew wide and two nurses turned to look at them not even bothering to hide their interest.

Cristina had never been in this situation, she had never found herself unable to send back a comment but with him she sometimes was lost. Another person would have stopped bothering her but he just kept on, what was wrong with him? "I don't like you. You think you can charm every woman with that face and those hair?" she threw her hands in the air.

"I'm hot" he replied smiling, thinking of the time Bailey had told him something like that. They weren't really different after all. But he sometimes thought Bailey was more human than Cristina which was kind of scary. He pushed that thought aside and before Cristina had time to reply he added becoming serious "Let's go talk somewhere more private"

Cristina would have send back a nasty comment but the seriousness of his voice and his face, stopped her, he was not being McDreamy, he had turned back into Dr Shepherd so she followed him without comment. But at the nurses station she could hear whispers, great just what she needed, nurses gossiping about her and the jerk.

Derek stopped in the corridor in which Burke's room was.

"That is so private," Cristina snorted.

"We could go into that supply closet if you prefer" He smiled while pointing the closet. She looked at him ready to make a nasty comment but be became more serious when he continued, not letting her time to reply "I'm going to talk to Burke and I thought you'd like to come to"

"Why? Am I going to be the intern on the case?"

"Maybe but that wasn't the reason. I thought you'd like to show him some support"

"I don't need to be there, you saw what happened last time" Cristina said remembering how she had abandoned him.

"It's your chance to make up for it"

"Burke already forgave me for that"

"Maybe but wouldn't you like him to trust you? To know that he can count on you no matter what ?"

Cristina seemed to absorb his words "What if I can't do it?" she asked and Derek saw for the first time the unsure woman in her as far as Burke was concerned. She was excellent at hiding her feelings but she needed to face them.

"Do you love him?" she looked at him perplexed "Do you?" he insisted.

"Yes" she replied, he nodded and headed towards Burke's room. Cristina stayed still for a moment but her decision was made. McDreamy was right, she wanted Burke to be able to trust her, she wanted to be there for him, they were a team, they would go through that together. She followed McDreamy and they entered into Burke's room together who turned around to face them.

"Burke" Cristina started and added bluntly "Shepherd knows" Burke nodded, a little surprised but at a loss for words. Cristina went closer to him, she took his hand and told him "It's going to be okay, he will fix it" then she turned to Shepherd "Right?"

Derek smiled and was surprised at Cristina's attitude but let it slip "I'll run some tests but don't worry I can do it"

"Is there something you can't do?" Cristina snorted, had she found someone who was as arrogant as her?

"No" he replied serious "Preston, control your girlfriend, she has the hots for me"

Burke frowned not understanding what was going on. He looked at Cristina who addressed Derek "In your dreams, McDreamy" she said as if the only thought of being attracted to him was disgusting.

"Okay, what's up with you two?" Burke asked confused

"We're friends" replied Derek

"No, we're not" Cristina said shaking her head and disgust evident in her voice.

"Whatever. Yang you're on the case" ha said and she nodded "So what do we begin with?" he asked her and she replied, he nodded and they started to run the tests.

Once they were finished, they had detected the problem and they could solve it by performing another surgery. He scheduled it for tomorrow as he wanted to do it quickly to minimize the risks. He had decided to go to New York in a week, now he had to tell the Chief that three of his attendings were going on a vacation for a few days while a fourth was going through surgery tomorrow.

Derek was in the Chief's office, wearing his street clothes. He had already talked about Burke's hand problem and was preparing himself to tell him about the vacation.

"Chief, I'd like some days off"

The Chief looked at him pointedly "How many?"

"Three or Four, I don't know." Then he thought and decided "Three" That would be enough.

"Derek, I don't know, you're needed here"

"I need to go and see my family. You saw what happened this morning. I need time off, to relax"

"Yeah I saw, you're lucky I'm not going to comment on that" then he made a pause "All right, you have three days"

"Addison and Mark are going with me"

"What? No way" exclaimed Richard.

"We need to come to terms with everything. Think about it, wouldn't it be better for work?"

Richard knew of course that Derek was right but letting go of three of his attendings at the same time was hard for the hospital. "The three of you better come back happy and ready to work"

"We will, we're going in four days. Thanks Richard" Derek got up and made his way to the door.

"Take care" Richard said quietly.

Derek smiled and went out of his office. Today sure had been a crazy day but at the end he felt rather good. He had told Addison and Mark that they were going in a week and was now headed to Kelly's apartment to take back his wallet and tell her that nothing could happened between them.

* * *

**Earlier that day**

Meredith had changed in her street clothes and went out of the hospital. She headed home and soon was bored out of her mind. Plus she seemed to only be able to form a coherent thought and it was about Derek. She couldn't think of him any more, this had to stop. She had to stop torturing herself. Izzie was also home and didn't seem to be cheerful which was an odd thing.

"Izzie, are you all right?"

"I think I'm still in love with Alex and I hate it" replied Izzie, putting her head on the kitchen table.

"I know the feeling" replied Meredith and Izzie looked at her understanding. She added "You know what? We have to stop that. I have an idea, come with me" she extended her arm for Izzie who took it.

_I kept the scene where Meredith and Izzie chose Doc. _

"I'll take him to the vet tomorrow morning for a consult" Meredith said, caressing the dog.

The two of them went back home happy to have a new friend who had brought back laughter in the house.

* * *

That's it for now. Please **Read and Review.**


	5. Bad Timing

* * *

**Chapter 5 : Timing **

If he had had more time or another chance, Derek would have told Meredith about his wife but she had beat him to it. Timing never was Meredith and Derek's thing and Derek was about to experience that hurtful truth once again

* * *

Derek now stood in front of Kelly's apartment and he didn't know why but he felt a little nervous. He knocked and a few seconds later, she opened the door and he was again surprised at how beautiful she was. He hoped she hadn't done all that for him but couldn't help being flattered if she had. He stood there looking at her and she did the same, none of them saying a word. Derek admired her self confidence, she knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid of showing it and right now she wanted him and it felt good. It would even have felt great if he wasn't a mess 

"Good evening" he finally said and she smiled at him. She then made some steps back inviting him to come in. "Thanks" He entered.

"I hope you haven't eaten yet." He shook his head. "Good. I've made dinner" she smiled seductively at him.

For a brief instant, Derek hesitated: what if that woman was exactly what he needed? She wanted him, it was obvious as she didn't even try to hide it. He could have a clean start with her but it wouldn't be fair to her, he was in love with Meredith even if he had taken him time to admit it and most of the time wished he wasn't.

"Thanks but I just came to take my wallet back, I can't stay" she looked at him questioningly, and he thought she may have never been rejected before and looking at her, he exactly knew why.

"And why is that?" she asked him still smiling.

And Derek knew exactly the answer to that question, if it wasn't for that, he wouldn't have hesitated: the woman was attractive and seemed to be someone he could easily like. "Because I'm in love with someone" he admitted. Great he thought, another person I told before I even told the person concerned if I tell her one day, which probably won't happen.

"Oh" she uttered, studying him and then she avoided his gaze, she stared down as if the floor had suddenly become interesting, and Derek didn't understand at the beginning. "You cheated on her" she stated.

"No" Derek now understood her discomfort but was it time to tell her he cheated on his wife? Probably not. "We aren't together", not being able to hide the regret in his voice.

"Why?" She asked as if the thought of him loving someone who didn't love him back was strange or impossible and again it flattered him.

"It's a long and complicated story" he replied.

"You could explain it to me over dinner" she didn't wait for an answer as she walked towards the table and sat down waiting for him to do the same but when he didn't move she added "I'm not going to jump you" she smiled at him and he smiled back a little taken aback by her bluntness "We could just talk but if you don't want it's okay" he still didn't move as if unable to, "Your wallet is in the drawer on your right" she told him.

Derek felt stupid; he was standing there motionless, when this woman had just offered to him a possible friendship. He walked towards the table and sat down in front of her, "It seems delicious" he said and meant it.

"Thanks" she offered him a light smile.

They started to chat and at the beginning both were anxious but they soon found themselves more comfortable. He learned that her father was a chief and that's how she had learned to cook. Her mother was an editor and she was a writer. Her relation with her mother was a little tense as she never seemed to leave up to the expectations of her mother.

"We have talked enough about me, mister, it's your turn" she had said, clearly wanted to change subject, her mother had really done a job on her and that made him think of Meredith's relation with her own mother.

He talked to her about his family, his job and then it came to Addison. He found it strange that it was so easy to confess in a stranger but with everything she knew about him, she may not be a stranger anymore. She was being understanding, everyone he knew had a say in his relationship, or they knew Addison or Meredith, she, on the other hand was being objective and didn't judge him and he liked that.

"You should tell her you love her" she said at one point.

"I'm trying to let her go, she deserves better" he replied.

"That's stupid" she laughed "If she loves you as much as you do, she won't be happier even with a better guy"

Meredith was still a sore subject so he had changed subject and she had seemed to understand and give up on trying to talk about her as he had understood about her mother. Derek was surprised at how well the evening had gone.

"It was nice, thank you" he said when he was in front of the door, ready to go out.

"Yes, I had fun" she smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He was a little surprised; it had been a long since he had a new friend and especially a woman. "Wait" she told him before going to the drawer, opening it and getting his wallet out, "Next time you come and see me, it won't be for that" she handed him his wallet and he smiled at her.

"Goodnight, see you later" he said before going out. He went to his trailer and slept rather well at least better than he had expected. The morning after, he got up, showered and was ready to go to work. This was a totally new day he was ready to enjoy. Life was too short to be lived feeling miserable, but he still felt empty inside as if something was missing and he had an idea what it was.

He had shaved and knew he looked good. He entered the hospital smiling, and ready to save lives but first he needed a coffee, coffee was essential. He decided to go and change first. He was now wearing his scrubs and walking towards the cafeteria, acknowledging with a smile and a nod the people he knew. He spotted Addison and walked towards her smiling and whistling.

"Good morning, Addison" he said enthusiastically. Addison looked at him strangely not understanding why he was being so joyful about. She had wanted to tell him today but the smile on his face was priceless and she couldn't stand being the one to erase it.

"Good morning" she replied "Why are you so happy?"

"Because this is a new day" he simply answered as if it was obvious. "I need coffee, are you coming?" She nodded and headed to the cafeteria with him where they took two coffees. On their way to find their interns of the day, Mark saw them and approached them. "Hey Mark" said Derek with the same enthusiastic tone he had used earlier with Addison. Mark looked perplexed and then looked at Addison.

"Don't look at me, I don't understand either" she told him.

"Come on, people, I'm happy, I'm not surprised you don't recognise the feeling" he addressed both of them and then saw that Dr Bailey and her five interns were near them and had turned to them as if he had spoken in a too cheerful voice that early in the morning. He had to suppress his urge to hug Meredith and to annoy Cristina.

"You mean you got laid" clarified Mark as if it was the only explanation possible.

"Life doesn't resolve around sex, Mark" Derek rolled his eyes. He then turned to Dr Bailey. "Hello Miranda" he greeted her with a smile while leaning on the counter of the nurses' station and all he received was a glare.

"It's Dr Bailey to you" she repeated as the last time, narrowing her eyes and wondering when he would get that she wasn't joking.

"This morning, I want Dr Grey and this afternoon, I'll take Dr Yang" Derek ignored her comment and her glare.

"You sure you can handle that after last night?" smirked Mark.

Before Derek had time to reply, Dr Bailey cut in "Don't answer that" she ordered Derek who instantly felt his mouth close and then she glared at Mark who started to feel uncomfortable "You've already mentioned sex twice in less than a minute, is that all you can think about?" then she turned back to Derek "Does this look like McDonald's to you ?" Derek knew better than to answer, "I hope for you I'll get my interns back in the same mood I gave them to you. Grey, go with Shepherd. Karev, Montgomery. Stevens, Sloan. O'Malley you stay with me. Yang, the pit. "

"Seriously, the pit?" exclaimed Cristina.

"Got a problem with that?" replied Dr Bailey in a menacing voice.

"No…no" muttered Cristina the second time a little louder.

"Don't worry, I'll make it up for you this afternoon" Derek winked at her, not resisting any more the urge to tease her and the look on her face was worth the warning glare he received from Bailey. He then looked at Meredith "Time to go" she nodded.

"By the way, good morning" he said feeling lame but trying to have a conversation wit her.

"Good morning" she replied with a brief smile as if forced. She didn't look at him in the eyes and Derek wondered what he had done again.

"Are you all right?" he asked concerned.

"Yes" she replied still not looking at him.

"Okay" he knew now that she didn't feel like talking to him and he wouldn't push, at least not now maybe a little bit later.

They entered into the patient's room and Derek asked Meredith to do a CT and to call him when she was done. Meredith did as she was told and paged him when the results came out.

"Good, you'll scrub in." She nodded offering him a smile but he could tell it was a fake one "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm great." She paused. "I have a dog" she smiled and this time he could tell it was a real smile.

"You have a dog" he repeated smiling as well.

"I have a dog"

"You know what? I love dogs" he grinned at her.

"Izzie and I chose him yesterday. What did you do last night?" Meredith asked him and she could see he was surprised. She just hoped she had asked casually enough. He seemed to be pensive for a moment before he replied.

"I had dinner with a friend"

"Don't tell me it was Cristina" Meredith half-joked but when she saw the look on his face, her eyes grew wide. "Seriously?"

"No" he laughed enjoying the look of disbelief and of something he couldn't decipher in her eyes. Was it jealousy, he couldn't tell. "With the woman I met two nights ago, Kelly"

"And she is just a friend?" she asked curious, hiding her hurt at the fact that he had moved on so fast and especially not with her. She'd have preferred he had dinner with Cristina.

"Yeah, just a friend. Why did you ask what I did last night?" Derek asked.

"I don't know" Meredith shrugged. She wasn't going to admit that she had been to his trailer to see if he was all right and had been a little worried when he hadn't been there. But now that he had told her he had been having a good time while she was worried, she again felt stupid. He had been honest with her for once, he just wanted to be friends, why couldn't she understand that? It had to stop, she was hurting too much end it was her own fault.

"Are you doing something tonight?" She shook her head "We could… hang out… at Joe's… if you want" he stammered, she had to smile at that, she wasn't used to see the self-assured Derek Shepherd being unsure and she found it cute.

"Are you asking me on a date?" she joked, pushing aside the fact that she wished he really was.

"No" he exclaimed wanting to reassure her that they were just friends and that he had understood it. Meredith was a little hurt by the way he had replied but let it pass. He continued "It's just that it has been a long time since we've actually spent some time together, I mean we're spending time together now but we're working, I thought that…never mind" he finished sighing and feeling stupid and embarrassed, he resumed studying the CT she was sure he knew well by now.

"You were rambling, that's cute Derek, I'd love to." She smiled at him.

He turned back to her, smiling as well and let out a brief sigh he didn't know he was holding "Good" he said trying to sound casual. "So I'm cute?" he smiled at her.

Meredith just shook her head and choose to ignore him "After the surgery, I'm going to the vet and tonight we'll meet in the lobby after your surgery with Cristina, okay?" she asked and he nodded not knowing what else to say.

Their surgery was successful and they had a great time, Derek asked her some questions and except for one, she did really good. They stepped out of the OR and were now washing their hands.

"You did great, Dr Grey" Derek complimented her, trying to be professional.

"Thanks, Dr Shepherd" she smiled still amazed by the surgery "Except for that last question" she recalled, disappointed.

"Want me to tell you a secret?" she looked intrigued "If you knew the answer, it'd have been surprising." He saw hurt in her eyes so he explained himself "That's something you'll maybe learn in your second year as a resident" he smiled at her while heading out.

"Then why… ?" she followed him.

"Interns should never think they know enough. There are already too many surgeons out there with a God-complex" he smirked at her, still walking while she had stopped following him.

"Being aware of your flaw is a good thing" she said in a serious voice, loud enough for him to hear.

Derek turned around to face her. "What do you mean, Dr Grey?" He feigned shock and hurt.

"You, Dr Shepherd, have an advanced God-complex. I'm afraid it may even be incurable." she kept her voice serious.

"So I've heard but I'm in denial" he smiled, tilting his head in that way that made him irresistible for her.

"Something that obvious can't be denied" laughed Meredith "I'll see you later" she turned back letting a smiling Derek staring at where she had last been before disappearing.

"You're just pathetic" he heard Cristina's voice and he was brought back from his reverie and didn't even bother to deny it, he really was and it was sickening. "What are you going to do about it?" she asked.

Derek turned to his left, then to his right and looked back at Cristina who just looked back at him frowning as if he had gone mad "I can't believe it. Are you really talking to me?" he joked.

"I was just trying to be polite but I don't care" answered Cristina, dismissively.

"Do you think I should do something? I decided to let her go but it's harder than I thought" Derek became serious hoping she would be too.

Cristina hesitated making a nasty comment but she had to admit, he was a nice guy even if he was sometimes a jerk and she could show some compassion for a brief moment "That's stupid, McDreamy. If you love her, you should go for it, it won't be easy but you have to fight for what you want" Cristina answered knowing that Meredith wouldn't fall back into his arms right away but at the end she would, they were meant to be together and it was disgusting.

Derek was considering the option, maybe letting her go was another way of walking away and he had decided to stop that bad habit. He wanted her back so badly and he smiled at the thought that they had a _date_ tonight. It'd be the perfect occasion to tell her.

"We're going out tonight, I'll talk to her. Thank you, Cristina"

"Don't mention it" dismissed Cristina, telling herself that she was not his friend.

"Could you stop calling me McDreamy ?" He felt embarrassed at just saying his nickname aloud.

"If you stop talking to me when we're not doing a surgery"

"You like talking to me" he replied emphasizing the word like. Cristina shook her head in disbelief and choose not to comment. He continued "Let's go see Preston"

"Since when do you call him Pres…by his first name?" she asked following him.

"Since I'm friend with his girlfriend" And when she gave him another look hat could kill, he added "Or maybe you want to keep me for yourself" he replied in that flirting voice that annoyed her so much.

"Shut up, McDreamy" she answered knowing that it would make him angry but surprisingly it didn't and it annoyed her even more.

"His name is Preston, you should try it sometimes" he just replied as if she hadn't talked.

The rest of their time together went rather well, still Cristina didn't want to admit that she was having a good time with him. After the surgery which was a success, Cristina decide to stay with Burke a little before heading to Joe's while Derek prepared himself to meet with Meredith.

He changed back into his street clothes and went into the lobby where he saw that Meredith was already waiting for him.

"I hope you haven't waited too long" he said.

"No. How was the surgery?" she inquired, concerned.

"Good, his arm should be fine" he smiled, "Shall we go?"

"Sure" she nodded, for a moment dreaming that this was a real date.

They walked silently towards Joe's. Derek was lightly nervous, not knowing how to tell her but she was Meredith, he had to tell her. Meredith also had something to tell him because even if he didn't care, she didn't want him to learn it from somebody else. They entered into the bar and saw Alex, Izzie and George sitting together and they both stopped. They both wanted to be alone to tell something to the other. Meredith spoke first.

"I wanted to talk to you…alone" she said, looking at him in the eyes and instantly regretted it, she had always loved his eyes and seeing him was making everything so hard, she wanted to move on, she couldn't keep melting because he had beautiful eyes.

"Me too" replied Derek smiling but wondering what she had to say to him. Maybe she didn't want to be friends with him any more, that'd be a perfect timing, he sighed.

They greeted the three doctors, then they ordered their usual drinks and made their way to a table and sat down.

"You have something to tell me?" wondered Meredith and he nodded.

"You go first" he replied, taking a sip of his scotch to prepare himself.

"Okay." She also took a sip of her vodka. "I'm dating" she blurted out and spoke quickly and quietly.

"Excuse me?" Derek tilted his head while nursing his glass. He really hadn't understood her.

"I'm dating" this time she said it more loudly and slowly and she kept her eyes to her glass not saying the change in Derek's face, or how he was squeezing his glass. He regained his composure, he had no right to react like that, she had moved on, that's what he had wanted for her but the pain he felt wouldn't disappear. His face relaxed after an effort and he opened the hand that was squeezing his glass and then prevented it from forming a fist.

"You're dating?" he echoed, which remembered him of their conversation about her dog.

But she broke the spell as she didn't repeat, instead she finally looked into his eyes and said "I didn't want you to find out by someone else" she explained herself, knowing that telling him that was the first step to her goal to move on. She felt a little bit sad when she didn't see any reaction from him, what had she been expecting? In her crazy mind, he would tell her that he didn't want her to date because he loved her and but those were just dreams and she was very much awake now. She looked at him as he took another sip of his scotch.

"That's good, Mer" It broke his heart just to say that but he still offered her a little smile and she smiled back. "Since when?" he asked.

"I met him this afternoon" she replied and Derek felt his heart broke again. He had been too late and he could only blame himself but that was her chance to be happy and he wouldn't destroy it by his consuming jealousy and pain. Meredith seemed oblivious to Derek's inner battle as she kept on. "He is a vet, Doc's vet." She clarified "He is really nice." she finished with a smile.

"A vet?" Derek asked as if it was a drawback.

"Nothing's wrong with being a vet" scowled Meredith.

"Yeah." Replied Derek not convinced, telling himself that it wasn't because he was jealous but truly because the man was a vet. "I'm going to take another drink, you want something?" He needed some space, to collect himself. Meredith looked at him surprised he had already finished, he was the kind to nurse his drink and she nodded off, she didn't want to get drunk tonight. Derek went to the counter turned around and saw Meredith's back. He didn't even notice that Joe had stopped in front of him and that the others interns were looking at him. He placed his elbows on the counter and buried his face in his hands, needing some time to realise that he had lost her for good. Being there, where he had met her was not helping. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed.

"Doc" he heard Joe's voice. Doc was Meredith's dog name, and his vet was her boyfriend. Would he be able to think about something else? He doubted it, plus he had told her he had something to tell her. What would he say? He couldn't tell her now or ever for that matter, he had been stupid. He heard Joe's voice calling him again but this time there was a glass in front of him, Joe really was a good bartender. He muttered a thanks and began to take his glass in order to walk back to the table but he felt weak. Instead of rejoining Meredith, he took the glass and finished it in a long painful swallow and it remembered him of the night he had spent in Mark's room. Derek was now aware of the intern's stare and Joe's surprise.

"Another one, please" he asked Joe and seconds later another glass was in front of him. He was going to drink it like the other one when he heard Meredith's voice.

"Derek, what is taking you so long?" she frowned. She was besides him, on his left, just like the first time they had met. When had she arrived here? He hadn't noticed her.

"Nothing" he lied and she was about to say something when his phone rang out "Sorry" he said before taking his phone. It was Mark calling and he still answered so he wouldn't have to talk to Meredith for a while. "Yeah" he said on the phone.

"Where are you?" asked Mark.

"Why?" Derek asked.

"I thought we could go out and have dinner, the three of us"

"I can't" Derek replied knowing who he meant by the three of them.

"You can't or you don't want to?" the voice of Mark hold a note of sadness.

"I don't know, maybe both" Derek was becoming more and more aware of Meredith's stare, he felt uncomfortable while she was looking at him like that. She had a boyfriend, a nice boyfriend and it was consuming him, he wanted to grab her, tell her he was sorry and he loved her but he was too late because he had been a coward

"Come on, Derek" pleaded Mark.

Derek was again about to refuse but the prospect of having to tell Meredith something scared him "Okay" he heard himself say.

"Good" and Derek could hear that Mark was truly happy he had accepted "We are in the lobby, when can you make it?"

"Give me two minutes" Derek said without hesitation and saw the frown on Meredith's face. He vaguely heard Mark said okay and Addison's voice in the back while he shut his phone. "Sorry, I have to go, it was Mark. We're going to have dinner with Addison too" he told her, feeling the urge to explain himself.

"I thought you wanted to spend some time with me" she didn't hide her hurt and he felt bad.

"I want to...it's just that…" he started and didn't know what to say. It's just that you have a boyfriend and I'm heartbroken, I can't pretend, not right now, give me the night, tomorrow I'll be fine with it. He couldn't let those words escape ."I have to go, they are waiting. See you tomorrow" he said trying to remain cool, not wanting her to find out that inside he was falling apart. He then stopped looking at her as if she wasn't there; he turned back to his glass and drank it like the previous one.

"Derek, what's wrong?" asked Meredith in a concern voice, touching his arm. Derek let himself savour the feeling of her hand and turned to look at her.

"The divorce is harder than I thought" It was just a half lie after all, he told himself. He tried to offer her a reassuring smile, he raised his arm so his hand was inches away from her right cheek and it stared to shake, he let it fall down and sighed.

"It'll be okay, Derek. I'm here for you if you need me" she said quietly, reassuringly.

He turned around again and took her in his arms, just wanting to fell her one last time, to remember her scent. She was surprised but closed her arms around him to comfort him and also to feel him one last time. She felt selfish at her thought, he was suffering and she was taking advantage to feel better.

He reluctantly let go of her and smiled at her "Thank you, Mer" she looked at him not understanding why he was thanking her but he continued "For being you" he then walked away. How was she supposed to move on when she couldn't take her eyes off of him, when she could still feel his body against her, his breathing in her neck, her hair and his scent she loved so much? She had decided not to get drunk but things didn't always go as planned, did they? She needed drinks and lots of them.

Derek walked to the entrance just as Cristina was making her way in "Dr Yang" he greeted her with a nod.

"McDreamy" she started but he kept walking. She frowned not understanding why she cared but still she headed towards the others and asked "What's up with McDreamy?" The four interns turned to look at her frowning "What? Don't answer, it's not like I care" she snorted and ordered a beer. She saw how Meredith was and couldn't help but ask "What did you do to him? I thought you and McDreamy were supposed to spend the night together."

"How did you know?" asked Meredith curious.

"He told me" answered Cristina as if it was normal Derek and her talked.

"He told you" repeated Meredith in disbelief.

"What did you do to him, Mer?" asked Cristina again.

"What? He was the one who had a hidden wife and chose her and you're taking his side. Okay, who are you and what happened to my person?"

Cristina just rolled her eyes and decided to let it pass. Any way she didn't care what happened, if Meredith wanted to tell her it was fine, if not, she didn't care.

"Hey, you went to the vet?" asked Izzie.

"Yeah, about that, I'm dating the vet" Meredith said and they all turned to look at her "Yeah, dating, not having sex with, there will be no sex, we're dating, dating is good" she rambled.

"A vet, seriously? Did you tell McDreamy?" Cristina asked and when Meredith nodded, she started to laugh "I'd have killed to see his reaction"

"He was happy for me" Meredith replied and Cristina raised her eyebrows doubtful and Meredith continued as if to prove her point "besides he has other problems, he is sad because of his divorce"

"Where did you get that?"

"He told me" replied Meredith mimicking Cristina earlier.

"Oh my God, don't tell me you're jealous because McDreamy and I speak" And when she saw Meredith's expression, she snorted "You're so pathetic"

"I'm not jealous. I don't care" Meredith tried to sound casual but she knew Cristina didn't believe her "It's just that we hardly talk or see each other any more"

"Isn't that exactly what you wanted? You were the one to avoid him in the beginning" Cristina reminded her.

"Now it's different, we're friends and he chose to spend the night with Mark and Addison instead of me" continued Meredith.

"You don't think it had something to do with the fact that you're dating a vet? A vet, seriously?"

"What's wrong with vets?" exclaimed Meredith, choosing to ignore cristina's first question "I like him, okay? He is hot, nice, and especially not married."

They enjoyed the rest of their evening talking about something else, anything except Derek or Finn.

* * *

I didn't want to end it here but if I had continued, it would have been too long.

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW**, it helps me to write faster.


	6. To Hell We Ride

Sorry it's been a long time since I've updated but I'm really busy.

* * *

Derek walked slowly towards the hospital, knowing who was waiting there for him. He didn't know if he really was ready to face them and have dinner with them as if nothing had happened but he felt as if he would have done anything to avoid Meredith right now. He wished he had decided to go home, he could have used the quiet and peace that offered his trailer and his land. But he already was near the hospital and had promised Mark, the same Mark who had…he really should stop thinking about that, he wasn't even mad anymore. He entered into the lobby and once he saw the looks on his former best friend and former wife, all thoughts of hesitation flew away. He was going to have a mere dinner with them but they seemed so happy that he had shown up, he couldn't help feeling happy too. As they were going to head out, he waited for them instead of reaching them. Once they were near him, Mark put a hand on Derek's shoulder.

"I'm happy you came" Mark smiled but when he saw the grim expression of Derek, he asked "What happened to I'm happy?" he frowned and Derek just shrugged. He didn't want to discuss Meredith with his soon to be ex-wife and her ex-lover or whatever he was for her.

"Where are we going?" Derek asked to change subject and hoped he sounded light enough.

"I chose the restaurant, of course my favourite" replied Addison, smiling.

"Okay, let's go then" Derek said and they went out of the lobby, to the parking lot where they decided it would be easier if each one of them took his own car. Derek happily obliged as it would give him some more time to prepare himself and try and forget about Meredith. Before entering into his car, he cast one last look towards Joe's bar, where was the woman he loved but could only blame himself for her loss. At least, she had met someone, she had moved on and a part of him was happy for her, happy she had finally moved on from the damaged he had done to her. She was ready to get a new start and he was going to do his best to respect that.

They arrived at the restaurant and they were escorted to the table Addison had reserved. At the beginning, they stayed in an awkward silence. Mark and Addison were seated near each other and looking at Derek who was in front of Addison and seeming a little less sad than before but still not as cheerful as this morning. The time alone in his car, listening to The Clash had enlightened his mood but unfortunately not enough.

"I talked to the Chief, we're going Friday if it's okay with you" Derek looked at them, it was Wednesday, it gave them two days to prepare themselves.

"Yeah, it's fine, I don't have any important surgery scheduled" replied Mark.

"Friday? We have an appointment with the lawyer" Addison replied looking at Derek, she had said it as if it was just some appointment and not the end of her marriage and she had managed not to look heartbroken.

"I know, it's Friday morning at 8, I don't think it will be long then we'll go to the hospital to check things and we'll fly at night." He answered her and she just nodded. "I was thinking of flying back Monday in the afternoon" he proposed and they accepted.

"Afraid of spending too much time with women?" inquired Mark.

"Not with women, with those women. Who knows what they'll do to me, I haven't called in a long time" replied Derek.

"Your mother must hate us" sighed Addison.

"My mother loves you, don't worry" Derek reassured Addison.

"Should I be worried?" Mark half-joked.

Derek considered scaring him but he just nodded off, he really wasn't in the mood. Their food arrived and they went back into old habits, all tasting each other's food. Going back to that felt good, it was before everything messed up and that sign made them more comfortable with each other. They ate pleasantly, recalling the past and enjoying being together, they were a family. Families have problems but stick together and that was exactly what they were going to do. Addison and Mark had tried again to know what was wrong with Derek but they had understood that he really didn't want to talk about it so they had dropped the subject.

When they had finished their dessert, they had paid the bill and went out of the restaurant promising to do it again soon. They then went back into their respective cars and drove home.

Derek arrived in his trailer and he was so tired that he didn't even change clothes as he collapsed into his bed, soon asleep. As he woke up, the first thing he thought was that it was Thursday, there was one day left before he had to face the whole family but the thought wasn't so scary any more as he had made his peace with what had happened. Plus, he kind of needed some time away from Seattle, or more precisely away from Meredith. Meredith, of course she had haunted his dreams. In them, he had been able to tell her how he felt but he didn't remember the end and maybe it was for the best. Yesterday, he had been joyful all day but had a little breakdown at night but he had been taken by surprise, today, he would be fine, life was too short he kept reminding himself.

He took off his clothes, took a shower, a coffee and was ready for work. He stood in front of Seattle Grace Hospital and seemed unable to move. He wasn't going to repeat what he had done a couple of days ago, was he? He had been feeling good, but the sight of the hospital had reminded him that Meredith also worked here and he would have to face her sooner or later. He had abandoned her yesterday and wasn't ready to talk to her yet. He would end up telling her he loved her or in order to hide his jealousy, he would snap at her and that would be the end of their friendship. If he avoided her, it wouldn't be better so he would stay natural. He took a deep breath and was ready to go in when he heard a voice.

"Dr Shepherd, are you all right?" the voice of Izzie Stevens repeated what she had told me when she had found him like that but this time things were different, he really was okay, just jealous and heartbroken but she didn't need to know that.

"We should stop meeting like that" he smiled at her. The voice he had used had sounder light even to his own hears and didn't betray what he was feeling so she had just smiled back and kept on walking and he hadn't taken him long to enter inside too.

The morning passed as expected, he had a surgery in the morning with Karev, he had checked on Burke and he had seen Meredith but not talked to her yet. He had seen Mark and Addison and they had had lunch together. The afternoon had been rather quiet; he had performed a surgery with Stevens as his intern. It was already rather late and he was now in his office, checking papers before going home when he heard a knock on his door.

"Come in" he replied not really wanting to see anyone but there she was, his Meredith, no, not his any more, just Meredith. She looked at him and entered in his office closing the door behind her and leaning against the door. She was dressed in her street clothes and Derek couldn't help stare, she was beautiful. "You're beautiful" he heard himself say before he could stop himself, he wasn't supposed to say it aloud. Their eyes meet and the distant figure she seemed to put disappeared as she smiled.

"Thank you" she replied, blushing a little bit, "But flattery won't get you anywhere" her smile faded and she was doing what Derek supposed to be an attempt at an angry face.

"Why is that?" he asked her, amused.

"You've been avoiding me" she said calmly but he thought he noticed hurt in her voice.

"No" he refuted and it was almost true, he hadn't just made an effort to spend time with her but it wasn't avoiding.

"I haven't seen you all day"

"I have seen you" he just replied. Of course he had seen her, every time she wasn't paying attention, he had been staring at her.

"Derek" she said and he knew she was getting exasperated because she didn't understand.

"I'm sorry. I have been busy today but I wasn't avoiding you" he looked into her eyes.

"Okay" she seemed unsure but didn't want to push.

She looked at the papers in front of him, he followed her gaze and said "I'm just checking some papers, I'll be absent for a few days days". She looked at him questioningly, he continued "Addison, Mark and I are going to visit my family" he sighed and looked at the floor.

"Derek?" she looked at him concerned, all trace of anger gone and right at this moment, she saw how tired he looked.

"Am I a fool for trusting them again?" he sounded and looked completely lost, that Meredith couldn't help close the distance that was separating them. She sat on the couch next to him and took his hand.

"No, you're doing the right thing, Derek, you told me once that Addison was your family, Mark used to be too." Meredith said in a soothing voice.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for being like that with you. It's just that…" Derek started but was cut off gently by Meredith.

"You don't need to apologize, I know I seem to get angry at you but I'm just hurt and in the end I understand" Meredith reassured him, really understanding him.

"I'm still sorry" he said and she smiled, in that moment, both understood that words were not needed any more. Even if they weren't together, they were there for the other and it was enough.

Then after several seconds of silence which seemed like minutes to them, Derek spoke "I need to finish this", he took back his hands from Meredith and they both instantly felt the need to reach for the other's hand but didn't do anything about it. Derek resumed reading his papers, occasionally signing them or correcting something. After a while he turned back to Meredith who had stayed there, not moving just looking at his moving hands.

"Meredith" he called her and she looked into his eyes but she didn't say anything and it looked like she had no intention. "I can see you've finished for the day" he stated and she nodded still not talking. "You don't want to go home?" he asked hoping she wouldn't believe he wanted her to go but he just didn't understand why she was staying even if he didn't mind, on the contrary, he loved her company.

"Already sick of me?" she joked.

"Never, Mer" he said truthfully and Meredith felt comfort at his words and wished he was telling her that in another circumstances. "But why don't you go home?"

Meredith opened her mouth to say something but closed it, then she opened it again but words wouldn't come out. What was wrong with her? She could talk just minutes ago, concentrate Meredith.

Derek looked at her slightly amused, "You know, I may have many talents but mind reading is not one of them" he chuckled and Meredith smiled.

"I'm supposed to have dinner with Finn." She finally said and he couldn't tell how she felt about it but she didn't sound excited.

"Finn" he repeated, it could only be one person "Your boyfriend" he stated and she nodded. "Then why are you still here?" he asked her, letting aside his jealousy to find out what was wrong with her.

"I don't think I should go. Finn is a really nice guy, he is great but I'm me. I'm dark and twisty, I can do him no good, I ruin everything."

There was no way Derek was letting her think that about her or she would never take advantage of life. "You may be dark and twisty" he conceded "but you're an amazing person, Meredith Grey. You deserve someone nice" he finished and saw in her eyes that she wanted to believe his words and was grateful he said so but she was Meredith and didn't know just how great she was so he wasn't surprised when she refuted.

"I don't do nice. See what happened last time with George"

"It isn't the same thing, Mer. If he is worth it, you should give him a chance" he said surprised at how honest he sounded, a part of him believed that, he wasn't just ready to lose her but it'd be fine once she'd be happy, at least he hoped so. Because now he couldn't imagine feeling any better about it.

"You think I should go?" she asked sounding childish even to her own ears.

"Do you like him?" he asked not really knowing what answer he was expecting. The thought of her liking another man was just unbearable and was physically painful.

"Yes" she replied, not needing a moment to think.

"Then definitely, yes, you should go." He told her with a smile, not caring about the pain he was feeling while uttering those words.

Meredith hugged him and he was taken by surprise, "Thank you, Derek. You were right, you're a great friend" she smiled at him.

"I'm always right" he chuckled.

"Crap. I'm late." She said, but didn't make a move to get up.

"You're making him wait on purpose, aren't you?" Derek decided to joke about the situation so maybe it would hurt less. "Playing hard to get, I see"

Meredith playfully hit him in the stomach "Shut up" she kissed him on the cheek "I'll see you tomorrow and don't avoid me, okay?" He nodded but she still seemed unsure "You promise?"

"I promise" he replied and watched her go out of his office smiling to go to her date with another man. He wished he had had more time with her, time to please her, to take care of her by showing him how much she was important to him. His hand rested for a long moment on the cheek where her lips had just been. He was sure the feeling of her soft lips against his skin would haunt him tonight. He resumed taking care of his papers but his mind wasn't in it any more, he would have time to finish that tomorrow, he needed to get home and have a good night sleep. He let everything on his table as it was and decided to go home.

In his car, while wondering what he was going to do tomorrow, he realised that today he hadn't even thought one second that tomorrow morning, he was divorcing his wife of eleven years. Surprisingly he felt rather calm about it and it felt good because it showed that it was time, he had finally let go of the past, the regret, the bitterness. He arrived at his trailer, took a shower and immediately went to bed, too tired to even eat.

His internal clock woke him up at 6 am. He turned into bed trying to get back to sleep but he couldn't so he got up. He took his time to take a relaxing shower, then dressed and poured himself some cereals. He was a little bit anxious but he was okay, the past was going to be left behind and he was starting something new even if it was with elements from the past, he could do it, he was fine.

He took his car and headed to the lawyer's and arrived just in time. Addison was already in there waiting for him with the lawyer and he couldn't exactly tell what she was feeling but she didn't look like she was okay. He walked towards them and shook the lawyer's hand with a small smile then he turned to Addison who still hadn't met his eyes.

"Good Morning, Addie" He tried and she finally turned towards him offering him a small smile and a nod but still not speaking. "Are you okay?" he touched her shoulder and she shivered at his touch but he didn't move his hand.

"Yes, I'm okay" she replied speaking quietly.

"Okay" he said uncertainly removing his hand then he sat in front of her.

"_So neither of you brought your assets into the marriage_" stated the lawyer, he continued as they didn't object "_Aside from Addison's trust fund which will remain in her name, we'll spilt everything, stocks, bonds down the middle. The only thing that gets complicated is the real estate."_

"_Well let me make this simple. I'd like to keep my trailer and the land in Seattle_." he addressed both of them. "You can take the rest" he looked at Addison.

"What? What are you up to, Derek?" Addison asked astonished, she sure hadn't expected that.

"I don't want them Addie, take them and do whatever you want with them, keep them, sell them, it's your choice"

"But I…the divorce is my fault. We're splitting everything Derek" she told him determined

"No and we already agreed that we were both responsible." Derek reminded her.

"I don't understand"

"You cheated on me twice" Derek said with no accusation "but I barely paid attention to you for years, we can say we're even. Plus, my life is in Seattle, I won't go back to New York" He then turned to look at the lawyer "Make the change and I'll sign today" Derek finished, getting up ready to leave.

"I won't sign if you make those changes" Addison exclaimed.

"Why? I don't want them, I want you to have them. Why don't you understand that?" he asked her, confused at her behaviour.

"Because, I don't deserve it" Addison answered not meeting his eyes.

"You do. I'll see you at the hospital" and he was going to walk away but changed his mind. "Addison, I've forgiven you and I mean it. You're an amazing woman, you made mistakes, I made mistakes but still you're the same woman I fell in love with. I don't regret our marriage, I'm holding onto the memories, good ones as bad ones. You don't need to feel guilty anymore." He kissed her on the cheek "I'll see you later".

Addison took some time to collect herself then she too went to the hospital. While driving, she wondered why she wouldn't just tell him, the sooner, the better. Maybe if she didn't tell him, he would never know so it wouldn't hurt him. She was completely lost and plus there was Mark always reminding her she needed to do it. She decided that she would do it today, no matter what, today she was going to finally tell him the truth. But she wished they could just stay like that, he had forgiven her, they were finally okay and everything was going to change again.

Derek had no surgery to do today, he just had to do his paperwork and make sure everything was okay and would be okay before he left. He had promised Meredith he would not avoid her and that was a slightly difficult promise to keep. Before, he would have looked for her and pretend it was just a coincidence but right now he wondered if he really wanted to see her, feeling happy after her date. He didn't even want to know how it had ended and wanted to forget she had had a date. But she was his friend and he had promised her something and even if it was nothing, it'd show her that she could count on him. He walked to the elevator and took a mental note to see her at least once this morning. When the doors opened, he knew there was a reason why he loved elevators. There she was, unfortunately not alone but still she was there and at the sight of him, a smile appeared on her lips and he suddenly felt more relaxed and smiled back. He didn't care who was looking at them or that there were other people, in that moment, it was just the two of them, nothing else mattered. He entered into the elevator and stopped in front of her. He fought his urge to kiss her and instead he leant to her and kiss her on the cheek before taking his place next to her with their shoulders slightly touching.

"Hi" Meredith said, happy he now felt comfortable again around her.

"Hi" he replied not turning to look at her. They were both looking in front of them, seeing how low the elevator was moving and were both grateful. "I'm keeping my promise" he informed her.

"That's good. Really good in fact because I want to talk to you" she turned to look at him.

He also turned to look at her and asked worried "Something's wrong?"

"No" she replied, touched by his concern, "I just want to ask you something"

"The answer is yes" smiled Derek.

"You don't even know what it is about" Meredith giggled.

"I never say no to hot sex in my office" Derek replied with a suggestive tone.

"What? No!" Meredith exclaimed and as some people in the elevator had turned to look at them, she blushed "Are you crazy? You're an ass."

"You know where to find me" he smiled ignoring her and stepping out of the elevator as the doors opened. Meredith just sighed but couldn't help smiling, she liked that Derek, her Derek.

Derek walked into his office and sat on the couch, ready to finish what he had begun the day before. There were not many papers left so it wouldn't take more than the morning. He had nearly finished when a beep was heard, it was Addison who wanted to have lunch with him. He hadn't even seen the time passed. He felt a little sad he hadn't seen Meredith again and wondered what she wanted to ask him. That's what he was thinking while he made his way to the cafeteria. He wasn't really hungry so he hadn't taken much, he put his tray on the table where Addison already was waiting for him. He smiled at her but she didn't smile back, instead she looked sad.

"What's wrong?" he asked her taking her hand in his. He couldn't really understand his behaviour, he had spent three months treating her like shit and now he couldn't bear seeing her sad.

"I have something to tell you" she said calmly while removing his hand from hers, Derek nodded uncertain "I wish I…" she started but then stopped.

"Addie, talk to me. What's wrong?" he asked in a gentle voice, so gentle that Addison felt even worse.

"Mark wasn't a one night stand. We were together for two months. So please take the Brownstone." Addison said while looking into his eyes and recognised what she had seen the past months, as he processed the words she was uttering.

By the end of her speech, Derek's eyes had shown so many emotion, she couldn't read them all : disgust, hatred, pain… His eyes were now red and she didn't know if it was because of the pain or the rage but she would have bet on the latter. She stayed calm and waited for him to do something, anything.

"So please take the brownstone?" he repeated in an angry voice. "So please take the brownstone?" this time he shouted it while getting up and pounding his fist onto the table, an action which didn't go unnoticed by the people around who were now openly looking at them, enjoying the show but Derek and Addison didn't seem to realise. Derek tried to calm down as he fought the urge to walk away, he had decided to change and faced his problems so he sat down.

"Another secret you need to share?" Derek asked her bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Derek, I should have told you sooner but…" her voice trailed off.

"But? You knew I wouldn't have taken you back. Why did you do that, Addison?" he asked in a broken voice.

Addison really saw for the first time just how broken he was. Unfortunately she didn't have an answer for him. All she could think about was that she had wanted him back and now she couldn't regret it more.

"Is that payback? The day you cheated on me, you took everything from me, wasn't that enough? I lost my wife, my best friend, my job, my houses, my cars… everything, even my own family"

He saw her surprised look at the mention of the fact that he had lost his family and he felt tears threatening to fall so he closed his eyes for a brief moment and when he opened them again he continued "Yeah, my own family. Do you know how hard it is when people you trust so much stab you in the back?" He felt Addison's discomfort and regret and enjoyed it, right now she deserved to suffer just as much as she had made him suffer.

"I called them" he recalled getting lost in thoughts "I told them I was going to move but what did they say? Addison made a mistake, so what? Everyone make mistakes and you're not perfect, you didn't take care of her. Okay, I was a bad husband but having sex with my best friend, isn't that a little harsh?"

He made a pause ad if he was waiting for an answer but he kept on, feeling the need to talk, to let go of all that bitterness "Oh come on, Derek, don't be bitter, he is Mark. Everyone has sex with Mark, it's practically a right of passage. What does that mean? My wive doesn't have sex with my fucking best friend. Is that so hard to understand?" he looked at Addison, his pain reflecting in his unshed tears.

Addison justified herself even if she thought there was no excuse for what she had done, she had to tell him that she hadn't done that on purpose to hurt him. But first she had to be sincere, he had to know all the facts. _"I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. After you left, we lived together for two months. I wanted to believe that we could make it work. I wanted to believe I hadn't thrown my marriage away, that I hadn't thrown my life away on a fling. But he's Mark and well... I caught him with someone else. And then Richard called._"

"Did I deserve that?" Derek asked when he had digested her words, waiting for an honest answer. "Why didn't you let go of our pathetic excuse for a marriage?"

"I wanted to believe that there was still a chance. I wanted to have you back and I was ready to make lots of sacrifices for that."

"You knew I wouldn't have divorced you. But if you had told me that, I would have"

"I know" Addison simply replied.

Derek got up "You can take the houses, the money, I don't care. All I want is Seattle. I was happy here before. And both of you can go straight to Hell" He finished clearly indicating her that they were not welcome to visit his family anymore. He stormed out of the cafeteria, ignoring all the glances and the whispers, he needed to be alone in his office.

Cristina had heard the argument and she didn't understand what kind of sick feeling took her. She didn't care that he felt bad, they weren't friends or anything but still there was something bugging her and that didn't permit a good day so she did what she thought would make her day better. She spotted Meredith and called her.

"Yeah" Meredith answered, rejoining her.

"Your stupid McDreamy had another fight with Satan"

"Is he alright? Where is he? What happened?"

"Calm down. I don't know if he's alright, not that I care anyway. I don't know where he is, he was really mad, it was kind of hot actually" Cristina smiled.

"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed but then she smirked "You like him"

"The man is an ass, I cant bear him."

"Whatever. Thanks, I'm going to find him" Meredith hoped he would be in his office as she thought.

* * *

**TBC PLEASE REVIEW **


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